Page 33 of Reckless Skye

‘I just hopped on one in the pasture. This cow turned and looked at me over her shoulder as if to say, Well, this is new, and then just went back to her cud. She didn’t even take one step.’

Skye’s laugh bubbled out. ‘Poor cow.’

‘Oh, don’t worry. It was humiliating for me too. I hadn’t realized my dad was at the fence, watching me. So, when I get off, he walks over, and he looks at me like he’s really worried I’m not the sharpest tool in the shed.’

Skye’s chest squeezed tight. She knew what it was like to disappoint a parent and then live with the consequences. ‘What did he do?’

‘He said, “Ah, TJ. What the hell you doing?” And then he explained why dairy cows aren’t for riding. He built me a practice barrel and got me in with a family friend who used to ride bulls. Jack taught me all the theory a man could know about the sport. And not wanting to die taught me the rest. Real quick.’

His words hollowed her out, leaving her sad and confused.

‘You okay?’

Skye hated that he could so easily sense that turmoil in her, but desperate to be understood, she lay back and took a deep, bolstering breath. And she tried to explain. ‘The only thing worse than being slapped by my father was living with my fear when he would be nice. Because then it was a constant mind game. Just waiting … Now, I can see the pattern, but as a child …’

TJ was quiet for a moment, as if he needed a few seconds to come to terms with her confession. But when he spoke, he only said, ‘You just wanted to be loved.’

‘I did. I would have done anything for him. Even at the end, even after all that therapy, when he’d be nice, I’d find myself trying to please him again. It’s like you’re so trained, so conditioned, that it just clicks in and takes over. Until he snaps again. I was made to believe that I was unworthy, that I was stupid, and on the rare occasion I dared to question his judgement of me, then I was ungrateful and undeserving of the life he had provided. The first time I truly fought back, he had me put in an in-patient mental healthcare facility. For almost a year.’

TJ’s head snapped up at that. ‘Your mom didn’t try to stop him?’

No. She couldn’t say the word aloud, couldn’t let him judge her mother for that. And TJ would, if only by default, having Janey as a yard stick. ‘She loves me. But she’s so trapped, so afraid, that she’s never been able to stand up for herself, let alone for me.’ Tears fell slowly, trickling down her temples and dampening her hairline.

Skye hated appearing weak. It went against every defence mechanism she had learned over the years to share these details with TJ now, but she made the conscious decision to do it for one reason: she’d meant what she’d told Andrea and Stevie. She wanted TJ to be her first, but experience had taught her to prepare for the worst, and this way, if she had a panic attack, he’d at least understand why she was the way she was.

And TJ did. He asked, ‘Can I touch you?’ and when she nodded, he surprised her by linking his fingers through hers. ‘So, that’s why you don’t date?’

Skye nodded. ‘I’m good at reading eyes, but only with people who aren’t guarded.’

‘Guarded?’

She was quiet for a moment. ‘When people are presenting themselves without pretence, their eyes don’t lie. They either say, I’m open and friendly or a grouch or a flirt,’ she added, and shot him a pointed look. ‘My problem is that my father taught me that people who want to lie can mimic those same expressions. They can make themselves appear harmless, affable, or even charming. My father is highly esteemed at work. He donates generously to charity.’ She smiled at that. ‘Women find him charming. Sometimes, at home, he was funny or sweet, even kind. But when you’ve been abused by someone, even once, those funny, sweet, kind gestures are not comforting. They’re terrifying. Because you’re waiting, wondering what you’re going to do wrong to have that mood changing, wondering how he’ll punish you when it does. Because it always does. And when it does, you’re left wondering why you always fuck up, why you’re always to blame.’

‘You are not to blame.’ Temper licked at TJ’s tone. ‘And while I might never be able to empathize, I can promise you, Skye, that I am not that man. I would never hurt you or anyone else deliberately.’

‘I know that.’ He shot her a doubtful look, prompting Skye to insist, ‘I do.’ She let go of his hand. For some reason, she needed distance for the words she was going to say next. ‘The only reason I’m telling you all this is because I’m going to have sex with you. And before we do that, I need you to understand why it won’t be easy for me to trust you during …’ Her cheeks blazed. Skye could only thank the dark night and dim barn light, which hid the worst of it.

TJ expelled a long, pained exhale. He sat up and bent over as if his stomach hurt, hung his head. ‘Give me a second,’ he said tightly. ‘This is a first for me.’

Skye frowned. ‘What is?’

He angled his head to look at her, his eyes black with something she could only label as hunger. ‘Being told I’m going to have sex with someone. Usually, there’s a lot of foreplay, some teasing …’

‘I’m not good at that,’ she informed him with a quick shake of her head. ‘I don’t …’ know how.

‘Skye …’ TJ trailed off. He sighed, clearly thinking about what to say.

It hit her like a slap. He was rejecting her. ‘Interesting. I would never have guessed you’d say no.’

‘I’m not saying no, necessarily. Because I am a flesh-and-blood man, and I’ve wanted you since the first moment I saw you. But you can’t just say shit like that and then expect me to forget it. I am saying,’ he added cautiously, ‘that we have a lot of ground to cover before we get there.’

‘Like what?’

‘Flirting, touching, kissing. Because you want to. Not because you think it’s an item on the list.’

Skye thought all of that build-up would just be awkward, given her inexperience. ‘I’d rather we just did it.’

TJ made a strangled sound. His jaw tensed. He took a deep breath in through his nose, muttered, ‘You can do this; you ride bulls for a living.’