Page 69 of Don’t Look Back

“Why are you crying? I can transfer,” I said, accepting the kiss on my cheek. “I’m going to Miami with you. There are schools in Florida.”

“But those schools aren’t your dream.” Ryan took my hands in his and held them in his lap. “Jason, you are an incredible chef. You need to show off that talent. Most people don’t even get this opportunity once, much less twice, so you have to take it. I want you to take it. Go to New York.”

“Then come with me. It could be a fresh start for both of us.”

When Ryan gave me a sad smile and shook his head, my heart fell into the pit of my stomach. “You don’t need to settle down with the first man you meet. Jason…” Voice breaking, he paused to collect himself. “You are an amazing person. You mean a lot to me. Having you in Miami with me would be amazing, but I can’t be the reason you miss out again. I’m going to Miami because my mom needs me, and she’s too proud to say that. You’re going to New York so that you can be the best chef you can possibly be. Go to clubs, go on dates… finish discovering yourself.”

I hadn’t realized I was crying, not until hot tears splattered to the back of my hands—but I didn’t dare move to brush them away. “I just found you. I can’t lose you.”

“You’re not losing me, love. We’re just going our separate ways. I’m still going to be there. Don’t think you’re getting rid of me that easily. We’ll only be a three-hour plane ride from each other. We’ll have holidays, and weekends, and I’ll be anxiously waiting for my invitation to the opening of your restaurant.”

I wanted to fight. I wanted to scream, shout, and cry. Getting a second opportunity to study under the best chefs in the world was almost unheard of, but the thought that I’d be doing it alone? That only had the tears flowing harder.

“How can you make that decision so easily?” I asked. “I’m… I’m not okay with not having you in my life.”

“Baby, this is anything but easy. But I’m able to do it because I know it’s your dream. It’s your chance to fly and I can’t be the one to clip your wings. If we’re meant to be, I know that we’ll find our way back to each other. I also know that if you really didn’t want to go, you’d be fighting me a lot harder right now.”

I pulled myself together, freeing a hand to wipe my eyes. “I don’t even know how you did this.”

“I’ll never reveal my sources,” Ryan sniffled, removing his glasses. While he was distracted, I lunged forward, hauling him into me and crushing my mouth to his.

“This hurts,” I whispered, needing to breathe way sooner than I cared for.

Tears poured shamelessly from Ryan’s eyes. “I know. And I’m afraid it’s going to hurt some more. I’m sorry. I’m so sorry that I don’t have what it takes to go to New York with you.”

Ryan agreed that we would leave the same day, late in September. I don’t know if that helped or hurt us in the end, but there was no way in hell that either of us was going to be left alone in that house.

The night before my flight was set to leave was quiet. We were both ignoring the inevitable, pretending that if we didn’t address it, that it wasn’t going to happen.

I was standing in the bathroom brushing my teeth when the door nudged open, and Ryan slipped inside. Instead of grabbing his own toothbrush, he wrapped his arms around me, flattening his hands over my belly and pressing a kiss to the flat of my back.

That lump formed in my throat that I’d been fighting all week. Every time I tried to pack, and every time I saw him packing something, my eyes would burn and my chest would tighten. I’d never cried so much in my life. Ryan tried to hold himself together for me but if his reddened nose was anything to go by, he was just as broken as I was.

I quickly rinsed my mouth and braced myself on the counter, committing the feeling of his hands on me to memory. The realization that I may never feel it again had my heart shattering into a million pieces. I could practically hear it clatter to the porcelain beneath me. Ryan peppered my shoulders with kisses, while I tried to keep the tears at bay.

“Come to bed with me,” he whispered.

“If we go to bed, then we sleep, and morning comes a lot faster. I don’t want morning to come.”

“Who said we’d be sleeping?”

I rotated in his arms to lean against the counter. “Are you sure?” I asked, brushing a stray curl out of his eyes. We hadn’t done anything intimate since he got out of the hospital. I’d been too scared to hurt him.

In place of a response, Ryan took my hand and tugged me toward the door.

“Wait,” I said, anchoring my feet in place. “If we do this tonight, we do everything. I want every part of you.”

Nothing more than the slight widening of Ryan’s eyes gave away his nerves. “Are you ready for that?”

“If I have to say goodbye to you tomorrow, then we do it all. I don’t want to get on that plane tomorrow and regret anything. Make love to me, Ryan. Please.”

Without waiting for an answer, I leaned in and pressed my lips to his. The kiss began slow and languid, tongues mapping out each other’s mouths. With his hands on my waist, he hauled me closer, the kiss growing in passion with each backward step we took into the bedroom.

CHAPTER TWENTY-ONE

Ryan’s tongue pressed against the seam of my lips, salty tears flavoring the kiss. Choking down the sob that threatened, I opened up for him. He pushed through, and my hands fed themselves through his hair.

Breath after quivering breath, I soaked in the moment—soaked in him. Nerve endings lit up across my body, tingling all the way to my toes. I tried to hide how my hands shook as I tugged Ryan’s shirt up and over his head.