Page 8 of All In: The Price We Pay

And this is why I interrupted my time off? Thanks a lot. What a mess. It couldn’t be any worse.

In my office, I collapse into my chair and rest my head on the desk. My hands are shaking. I don’t know how I managed to stay composed in there. Now the adrenaline is leaving my body and my muscles are giving out.

Dammit. Why? I don’t deserve this.

“Knock, knock.” Evan’s voice is accompanied by an actual knock.

I jerk my head up so fast I’m afraid it’ll fall off the back of my neck. “Is there a problem?”

He raises both hands defensively. “No. Not at all. I wanted to . . . ” He turns around and closes my office door, with a subtle smile that should look out of place on that weathered face. But the wrinkles and lines only trace the Evan I knew eight years ago. No. I never truly understood him. I never knew what was actually going on in his head. After all this time, it’s no different—or any better.

“I . . . ” He pauses.

Exhaling heavily, I roll back and stand up. “It was as much of a surprise to me as it was to you. Actually, I’m on vacation right now. My boss . . . Derek . . . never mind. Special clients get special treatment.”

“I’m sorry.”

I shake my head. “It’s fine. Is there anything else you want to discuss? I should finish up these documents, and after that I will be going back to my vacation and my bed.”

Evan takes an audible breath.

Fuck. That’s not what I meant to imply.

“It’s nice to see you,” he says, leaning against the closed door. “And I’m glad it’s you . . . ” He clears his throat. “How’s your dad? Is everything okay with you guys?”

His question stirs up many old memories. My mom’s death. My dad, who did everything he could so I could follow my dreams. Evan never met him, but I’ve told him about home. I nod. “He’s fine. He’s still working the farm in Arizona. But he’ll sell it soon. Since I’m here, and he’s not getting any younger.”

Evan nods. “Ah. Yeah.” In an awkward gesture, he runs his hand through his hair. “Shit, I don’t know what to say.” He laughs awkwardly. “I never thought this would happen to me.”

I bite my lip. Don’t say it, Parker. Shut up. “Really? That keeping things secret makes you vulnerable? I could swear that’s exactly the scenario I predicted for you.” Dammit. What’s wrong with me? I close my eyes, wish I could start this day over, and let my head sink onto my chest. “Evan, I’m so sorry. That was, uh . . . unprofessional, childish, and completely inappropriate.” Shaking my head, I sigh. “Please, let us do our job. Carly is fantastic, and we have an excellent team. You won’t even notice that we’re working behind the scenes, and you can keep playing hockey without any worries. I mean what I said in the conference room. You don’t deserve this. And we’ll do everything we can to protect you and your privacy. What I just said . . . ” I’d hoped for so much more for you than living in the shadows. “That’s unforgivable in a business relationship. I can’t believe I said that.”

I cautiously lift my head further and seek his gaze. Instead of anger, a smile appears on his face. “I can certainly believe it,” he murmurs. “To be honest, I was expecting something quite different. You’ve never been one to hold back your opinion.” Now he stares at the floor between us and slips his hands, still with that smile on his lips, into his pants pockets.

A snort escapes me. “Yeah, but usually I’m better at keeping it under control at work.”

Evan glances up again. “You don’t have to hold back with me.”

My chest tingles and grows warm. This isn’t good at all. Eight years, and my body still reacts the same way when I’m around him.

I run my hand over my face. “Yes, it is. Because you’re a client of our agency. And to work with you professionally, it’s important that I don’t get involved. I could promise you right now that this won’t happen again, but . . . ” Dammit, I used to love you, and I don’t have to prove anything to myself here. “ . . . our past stands in the way of providing you our best professional services. My involvement completely violates our compliance guidelines. I cannot have a personal relationship with a client. Carly will take over your case.”

Evan furrows his brow and shakes his head. “But we’re not in a relationship.”

No, because you made sure of that.

“I want you,” he continues.

As if.

“Back in that conference room I was losing it because I don’t know who I can trust. No one can know that I’m . . . you know, what I am.”

Good heavens, is he serious? He still can’t bring himself to say it?

“Derek is ignoring the fact that I told him I’m gay. Not because I want to come out. On the contrary, but . . . it has to be possible to talk about it. I’m sure Carly is great, but . . . I need at least one person I can fully trust here. Derek’s an asshole, but he’s right about one thing: This year could be the breakthrough in my career.”

Hockey. Everything he says has only one goal: his career. I can’t do that.

“I understand that, but it’s not possible. I can’t. I’ll get everything ready, and of course I’ll always be available if you have any questions or if there are any problems, as soon as I’m back from vacation. But I can’t be actively involved. We don’t have to treat each other like strangers.” As we used to. When we’d walk past each other on campus in silence and pretend we didn’t know each other. At least I’ll spare myself that pointless dig. “But I can’t make any decisions here.”