Page 44 of All In: The Price We Pay

“Of course,” he mutters, chewing slowly and swallowing his bite. “I can send you all that, too, but the most important thing you should know is that we recommend everyone first figure out for themselves whether they’re secure. Socially and financially. Money isn’t an issue for most of our clients. Still, you have to consider whether potential cutbacks could lead to changes in your lifestyle and to what extent you can and want to handle them. I think it’s more important to have a network of allies, friends, and family who will be there for you when the going gets tough. No matter how many advantages a professional sports career brings, the public reaction will always be extreme. Only once all of that is clear to you do we work together to plan the most comfortable way for you to go public: written interviews, public appearances. We tailor our approach individually.” He nods to himself. “I also recommend putting together a social media plan beforehand. Step back for a while and leave it all to the experts until the biggest uproar has died down. Still, we’ll of course support any other approach you choose.”

I nod. That’s pretty much what I’d been thinking. “I don’t think that’ll be possible for me. Not that I’m planning on it,” I say again.

“Why do you say that?”

“My contracts with advertising partners alone are firmly in Derek’s hands. And Derek won’t support me coming out. Above all, he’s right about that. My brand partners will turn their backs on me. Even if he wanted to, he wouldn’t be able to salvage anything. I won’t be living on the breadline right away. But I can’t even begin to estimate the financial impact.”

That shakes Parker up. “You’re not the only one. Have you ever thought about changing management?”

He can’t be serious. “I . . . can’t do that. Derek is such a close friend of Dad’s.” Was. Dad is dead.

Parker presses his lips together. “Think about what you actually owe him, or why you feel so obligated. I work with a management firm that specializes in sports representation and is queer-friendly. Without making any promises, I can see if they have any openings.”

“No. I don’t want my name to get out there. Word always gets around.”

Parker waves it off. “Of course, without any mention of your name or any reference to you. That goes without saying. You can have his number. In case you need him.”

I exhale heavily and pick up my cutlery again. “Okay. Maybe. If you’re sure I’ll stay anonymous.”

“One hundred percent. I don’t mess around with stuff like that, Evan.”

Parker is so calm and determined that his words captivate me. Not that I’m going to come out, but even allowing myself to consider the idea feels wild. And scary. I can’t even begin to fathom any of the consequences Parker mentioned.

“Thanks,” I say. “Not that I’m planning anything, but knowing where I could turn if . . . ”

Parker nods and helps himself to some rice I haven’t touched yet.

Despite the quiet day, I treat myself to the extra carbs.

I watch him as he relishes another spoonful. Watching Parker eat is, in a way, a fetish of its own.

“What?” He smiles around his mouthful. “Do I have something on me?” He runs his finger across his face.

God, I’m a creep. “No. I, um, am trying to remember the last time we ate together.”

“Ah.” His smile softens again. “I’m not entirely sure myself.”

“Let’s talk about something else.” I can’t stand this gloomy mood. “What else have you been up to these past eight years? Is this your first job after college?”

He nods. “Yeah. I started out as an entry employee at Simon’s and now I am the head of my own little department. Which, unfortunately, my boss keeps meddling in. Other than that, it’s cool. I’m doing what I love.”

“Social media?”

Parker opens his mouth and closes it again. He’s lowering his gaze to his plate, almost sheepishly. “Helping people. Hmm. The pressure of being in the spotlight as a public figure is immense. I know that.”

Because we’d talked about it until we broke down exhausted. Back then, though, I thought he wasn’t taking me seriously. Mesmerized, I keep listening to Parker.

“I believe I have a good solid knack for finding solutions. Plus, a lot of people trust me when it comes to sharing their needs with me. Of course, that only works if I’m extra careful with that kind of information.” His voice grows quieter and quieter. Lost in thought, he kneads a piece of naan between his fingers.

My clearing of my throat is too loud between us, as is the sound of my fork as I push it around on my plate. “In the end, I thought you weren’t taking me seriously. That you thought my worries were silly.”

His head snaps up. “No, Evan. That was never the problem. I admit, I didn’t want to hide; I suffered. But I always understood you. Naivety wasn’t my problem. Rather, my needs completely clashed with your fears, and no compromise was possible anymore. For both of us.”

I nod as I try to process what he’s saying. “We were at an impasse.”

“Yes. Seeing how you’re doing now, how you’re opening up to people, is wonderful. At the same time, I wonder if it’s my fault that it took you so long, because I reacted terribly.”

“You didn’t react terribly,” I defend him immediately. “We were both young and at completely different points in our lives. While you finally wanted to show the world who you were, I . . . ”