Page 112 of All In: The Price We Pay

Together, we walk side by side into the team’s meeting room. The entire team, including the injured players, is present. I quickly scan the room and spot Blake, who gives me an encouraging nod.

At least he’s here. If everything goes wrong, he won’t let me down.

Coach Denner pushes me forward and places his hand on the back of my neck, pressing lightly before letting go. There’s something fatherly about the gesture. He trusts me to speak for myself, yet he lets me know that he’s there. That he’s close to me and isn’t keeping his distance. “Okay, before we discuss the game tomorrow, Evan has a few words to say. I already know what’s going on. He has my full support. I’ll go over the details with the coaching staff. But he wants to talk to you guys directly.”

Everyone is looking at me. Today is the day I’m going to throw up in front of an audience.

“Ah, yeah. I didn’t prepare a big speech or anything. But I guess most of you were wondering why I wasn’t at practice today.” I lower my gaze and stare at the floor. Why am I standing while everyone else is sitting? “I wanted to tell you all this in a completely different way and not during the playoffs. I’m sorry for leaving the team in the dark and causing a distraction from the game.” I ramble on and on. “My boyfriend, my partner, had an accident this morning. He’s in the hospital in the ICU and I had to go see him.” I nod, as if to give myself courage. “What I’m trying to say is, I’m gay. And I don’t know exactly what’s going to happen with my boyfriend, how long he’ll be in the hospital. Despite the playoffs and . . . I’m going to visit him, and someone might notice. I don’t want to catch anyone off guard or cause even more trouble than I already have, but I need to come clean now. For years, I didn’t say anything so as not to draw attention to myself. All I want is to play hockey. But that’s made me pretty lonely. Now, though, it’s not just about me anymore. Now it’s about my partner. Now I’m forced to make a decision. We’ve only been together since this season, but I’ve already messed things up with him once. I can’t lose him again. To make sure that doesn’t happen, I have to be close to him, be there for him. If by chance someone finds out about our relationship and it gets out, you shouldn’t be the last to know. You’ve seen how quickly photos of me and men who I’m walking down the street with pop up everywhere, and how people tear each other apart over them. I’m not going to deny that I’m with him.” Not this time. Everyone is staring at me. Sid looks shocked. Munns has a grimace on his face. Blake gives me an encouraging nod. “He’s in huge trouble because we’re together. He’s lost his job and his health insurance because of it. The least I can do is not let him down too, just because someone might find out we’re together.” I face each of my teammates. “Hockey is my life. I can’t imagine losing it. If that’s the consequence of me coming out, it’ll destroy something inside me. But I can’t live with this lie anymore. I don’t want to, either. If my career should end, I’ll land on my feet. There are many people out there who are left with nothing after coming out. That’s what I’ve been thinking about all day today. As much as I’m afraid that this won’t be okay for you, I’ve kept reminding myself how privileged I am. Hockey is a part of me, but it’s also brought me money and prestige. I pray that I’ll always be able to play. If not on the big stage, then somewhere else where people are okay with me.” My voice doesn’t sound quite as confident as I’d like, so I stand up straighter to finish what I want to say. “Still, I hope you’ll accept me. You’re my family on the ice. We’ve been through the good and the bad as a team, and we’re on the verge of a breakthrough. I know it. This year is our year. In any case, I’ll do everything I can to make our dream come true.”

As Blake stands up and walks toward me, Sid stands up too. He eyes me, completely dumbfounded. “Are you kidding me?” Damn, I’d completely misjudged him. “I didn’t steal her from you, did I?”

At first, I don’t get it and just stare at him. “What?”

“Valentina. I’ve been shitting my pants for weeks, waiting for you to punch me in the face. She was always evasive when she talked about your relationship. I thought maybe there was something going on after all and she was trying to calm me down.”

“Ah.” Should I laugh?

But Walters, the center on our second line, beats me to it. “Dude, are you delusional? Did you really think you stood a chance against him?” He points at me. “If he’d wanted to, you’d still be playing in the sand box.” He leans over to Sid and ruffles his hair.

Everyone laughs. Almost everyone. But at least the conversation doesn’t turn to me getting kicked off the team.

Blake has turned to Sid and is shaking his head. Before anyone can say anything, a crumpled piece of paper hits me.

Startled, I take a step back, and Coach Denner immediately steps in front of me into the center. There’s no mystery as to who threw it. Spears steps into the center and raises both hands. “You’re such a selfish asshole, you know that? Does that mean this version of you, the one where you beat your personal best and set a new league record in the finals, is someone we could’ve had years ago? Is this was regular sex does to you?” In three strides, he’s at me and hugs me. “Come here, loser, I’m just messing with you.”

The others take this as a cue and rush toward me. They surround me, and Spears, that asshole, starts chanting. “Sexy Beast, Sexy Beast.”

“Oh, shut the hell up!” I yell, but my words are drowned out by the noise.

Little by little, they all let go of me. I give Sid another quick hug; he’s still shaking his head. “You’re such a jerk,” he grumbles. “Why didn’t you say anything? Does Valentina know? It must’ve been hard for you but try to put yourself in my shoes.” He winks at me.

I nod with a grin. “Sorry, I asked her to give me some more time. I was going to tell you and Blake this summer.”

“Man, I’m glad we’ve got that behind us,” he exclaims.

Finally, Blake gives me a hug. “Good job. How’s Parker doing?”

We let go of each other, and a few people are watching us. “Fine. Given the circumstances. I haven’t been able to see him in person yet, since he wasn’t conscious and none of us know and . . . ” Exhaustion washes over me. “A buddy has been keeping me in the loop, but I couldn’t make it to practice today. I’m sorry about that, too. I won’t let the team down. I promise you that.”

Blake pats me on the shoulder. “We know that. You’re the most reliable person I know. Next to me.” And just like that, the captain has everyone laughing.

Munns is keeping his distance from us. He hadn’t been part of the group hug.

“Everything okay?” I ask him. Even though it’s making my blood boil, I want to clear up everything that needs to be cleared up.

He shrugs. “I don’t get why there has to be such a big fuss about it. You’re gay. Congratulations. Why do you guys always have to make such a big deal out of it? I don’t go around announcing that I’m straight,” he grumbles.

“You guys? Who’s that supposed to be? As if that’s what Evan cares about. We have to clear all this up because others are making a big deal out of it,” Blake interjects immediately. “Everyone out there is going to have an opinion about Evan. And as long as that’s the case, unfortunately, we need all this fuss. Don’t you think I’d rather he could simply say, ‘Guys, my boyfriend’s in the hospital, I have to skip practice today’? But if your partner’s gender is an issue, it’s necessary to have these conversations.”

Munns continues to look grim.

“Is this going to be a problem, Munns?” Blake asks.

“No.” He grunts. “But I don’t want this to ruin our chances at the Cup.”

“I agree with you there, Munns,” I assure him. “And if you see my performance slipping, I expect my goalie to tell me. I hate nothing more than slackers who let their game slide.”

He eyes me for a long moment. “I will.”