Page 90 of Every November

“I appreciate you telling me the truth and I’m sorry you’re going through that. It sucks,” she finally says. “We can continue to hang out and be friends, if you want, but if he does come back and you get back together, will you tell me that too?”

“Yeah, that’s fair.” More than.

“So, friends for now?”

“Yeah, friends for now,” I agree. “And for the record, I’m sorry again. You definitely deserve to be someone’s first choice.”

“I know, but thanks, Evan.”

September 7th

That night when I get home from the trip and I’m in my bed, I finally let myself ask the question I’ve been avoiding since Chicago.

What if he’s not coming back at all?

I haven’t heard anything from Josh and I don’t want to push so instead, I pick up my phone anyway and text Marcus.

Me:

I miss you, Marcus. I miss you every minute of every day. I don’t know what happened or why you stopped talking to me, but I need you to know that there are places you belong without having to shrink yourself. Without molding yourself into someone you’re not. I care about you so much, that hasn’t changed. There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t wished I could talk to you. Maybe you’ve moved on. Maybe you’re completely over me and I’m embarrassing myself, but I don’t care. I want you, Marcus. I never stopped.

CHAPTER 31

Marcus

Evan:

I miss you, Marcus. I miss you every minute of every day. I don’t know what happened or why you stopped talking to me, but I need you to know that there are places you belong without having to shrink yourself. Without molding yourself into someone you’re not. I care about you so much, that hasn’t changed. There hasn’t been a single day I haven’t wished I could talk to you. Maybe you’ve moved on. Maybe you’re completely over me and I’m embarrassing myself, but I don’t care. I want you, Marcus. I never stopped.

Ireread the text over and over and over, trying to memorize every word.

I never told him about Christmas and what happened with my family, but somehow, he still knows exactly what I’ve been going through. What pushed me into my depression.

My brain tries to twist it into pity, the way it always does. But this time, I can’t make it fit.

“What are you looking at?” Josh asks, so I hold up the phone for him in my apartment.

He’d let himself in with the spare key I gave him years ago and forgot he still had, showing up unannounced with a bag of groceries. He told me he wasn’t leaving until I’d pulled myself together because this has gone on for too long. He’s right, and I didn’t have the energy to fight him about it. I don’t think I’ve had the energy to argue with much of anything in months.

He reads it slowly, digesting every word, and when he looks back at me, his eyes are sad.

“Marcus.”

“I know,” I mutter.

“Have you responded?”

I shake my head, and something in his expression shifts from empathetic to pointed. He starts to scroll up, likely seeing all of Evan’s attempts to reach out, and his jaw tightens.

“Okay.” He sets my phone down on the counter and steps in front of me. “I need you to hear me right now, and I need you to actually listen instead of just nodding until I leave.”

“Josh—”

“No. Listen to me, I need to say this. You look like shit, man. You’ve lost weight. I don’t know the last time you showered and I honestly can’t believe you still have a job. I’ve been worried sick about you and my phone calls are clearly not enough, and that guy—” he points at my phone, “—flew out here and sat outside your door for days and you didn’t even open it. He’s called me a couple of times to check on you. I love you, man, and you know I’ve got your back, but right now that means doing something to help you. I’m not going to let you fuck up your entire life because your family fucking sucks. Okay? You can’t destroy everything good in your life, or you’re letting them win.”

I don’t say anything, but he’s right, and I honestly feel like it was something I needed to hear.

“When’s the last time you talked to Dr. Patel?”