Page 46 of Checking from Behind

I pushed my salad around my plate as the lunch crowd in the restaurant murmured around us.

"Let me ask you something," Mila said, leaning forward. "When he held your face in that hallway, when he told you that you were worth everything, how did that feel? I don't want to know what you thought about it, or what your head said, or what your trauma whispered. I want to know how it felt in your body."

The memory was right there, vivid enough that my skin tingled. I could still feel his warm hands on my face, one on each cheek and his thumbs on my cheekbones. I could still see the look in his eyes as he looked at me as if I were the most important thing in the world.

"It felt safe." I whispered. "It felt like the first time in years that I felt safe. My body could relax; my shoulders dropped, and I could unclench my jaw and take a breath. It had been so long that I forgot what that felt like."

Mila softly smiled.

"Then stop running from it." She said, reaching across the table and taking my hands in hers. "You moved to Boston to start over and you built a business, you got your own place, a dog, clients and your own life. You did all of that on your own, and it was incredible. It was the bravest thing I have ever watched someone do, especially coming from a situation like yours."

She paused and squeezed my hands harder.

"But, alone isn't the goal, Lillah. Alone was never the goal. It was necessary to rehabilitate and recover. The goal was to get you strong enough that you could let someone in without losing sight of yourself, and you're there. You're there and he is standing right in front of you and he sounds like he is good. He is terrifyingly good, and you are allowed to have that. You're allowed to be happy without waiting for the punishment."

I swallowed hard and took a deep breath in, letting it out slowly.

"You're right."

"I'm always right, and it's exhausting." Mila giggled. "It's a burden I carry with extraordinary grace."

I laughed.

"Brett will probably continue to cause problems, at least for a while, because that's what guys like him do. They can't stand to see someone else have what they couldn't keep. He doesn't want you back, but he also doesn't want anyone else to have you either. That's what makes him dangerous."

"I know."

I'd heard that part from my therapist a few days ago.

"Have you thought about a restraining order?"

I had so many times since he'd appeared on my doorstep. In the middle of the night, lying awake in Marshall's arms, I'd flipped the idea over in my head again and again.

"I don't have enough evidence. He showed up once, and he brought flowers. A judge won't see that as a threat."

"Well, a judge hasn't read the backstory."

"I know, but the legal system doesn't work on a backstory. It works on evidence and patterns, and one porch visit with white roses is not a pattern yet." I shrugged.

"Yet." Mila's eyes widened. "You said yet."

"Well, that is only because I know him. He isn't going to stop at one visit, Mila."

We both sat there not saying anything because the thought alone of knowing he'd be back was enough to make me sick.

"Lillah, if there is one thing you need to know, it's that Marshall is a big boy and he can handle Brett. He's already stood between the two of you and never threw a single punch, even though he could have folded that man like a lawn chair. That isn't strength alone. It's character."

"I know."

"More important than any of that, you can handle it too. You are not the same woman who left Texas. That version of yourself was in survival mode, this new version of yourself is living. That version of yourself would never have been able to handle any of this, not the confrontation, or the relationship, the vulnerability. The version of you who is sitting across from me right now, can."

"You're right."

We finished lunch and split the check because Mila insisted she pay her half even though I was the one who'd sent the invite. I gave her a long hug outside the bistro, and when I went to let go, Mila hugged me tighter and a little longer. Her arms tightened around my shoulders, and she whispered quietly against my ear.

"I am so proud of you. You know that, right?"

"I know." I said, smiling.