Page 10 of Cassian is Getting Out

Cassian stood in the dark kitchen and held her. He didn’t go on.

The rest of it, the part that had woken him with his heart slamming away behind his ribs, belonged to a room Tala should never have to share.

Cassian bent his head and pressed his lips to the crown of her skull. His hands were shaking. He held his mouth there until he could smell her properly, and let it steady him.

“I got out, Tala,” he said brightly. “And I’m never going back there.”

Shuffling footsteps came from behind him, and he turned to find Colin in the kitchen doorway in his dressing gown, one hand braced on the frame.

He looked tired. His recovery from Tala’s birth was progressing, but it was slow, and some nights it showed more than others.

Colin crossed the floor in bare feet and stopped beside Cassian. He rubbed the pad of his thumb across his daughter’s cheek, gentle enough that she didn’t even stir.

“You’re never going back there,” Colin said.

Cassian let the words come out then because Colin could carry them with him.

“I ran, Colin. From the compound. I dreamed about it tonight.”

Colin’s thumb stilled on Tala’s cheek, but he didn’t pull his hand away.

“Charles took me there with him because he wanted to join a weekend worship. And the first night there—” Cassian’s voice stayed bright. “I made him angry. Because I spoke too long to Uriel, and Uriel was. Well. You know about Uriel.

“So even though he was my Evermate — or, no. They said he was my Evermate. But your Evermate is only ever meant to care for you, and bring you all the joy that you deserve. He hurt me that night. He hurt me really badly, and he left bruises. So many bruises, Colin.”

His hand had come up to his wrist, his thumb pressing on the ridge of scar tissue there. He made himself stop.

“I lay there nicely while he slept. And it would have been fine.” He nodded, as if confirming this to himself. “It would have been absolutely fine, and I totally would have stayed.”

Colin had drawn close, and his hand rested now between Cassian’s shoulder blades.

“But I kept thinking about morning practice,” Cassian said. “The whole Family does yoga together. Naked, on the grounds, because that way you open yourself up to the blessings of the day, and there should be no shame, no vanity attached to your mortal body, when it’s been given to you by the Universe, and all of the Universe’s creations are without flaw. I knew everyone would see my bruises that morning.” His voice cracked. “And I knew everyone would know that I’d displeased my Evermate. That I wasn’t a good enough Calyx to keep him happy.”

The kitchen was so quiet that Cassian could hear the fridge humming behind him and the faint tick of Diwa’s two-thousand-pound bottle warmer cooling down on the counter.

“So I ran,” he said. “Not because he hurt me. I’d been staying through that. I ran because I couldn’t bear for the Family to see that I’d been bad.”

Colin took Tala from him. “You ran and you’re with me, Tala and Diwa now. That’s what matters.”

Cassian’s face crumpled, and he waited until the urge to cry passed. “I wasn’t being brave. I was being ashamed.”

Colin held his wrist until Cassian’s breathing evened out. “Wish I could transfer that shame over to fucking Charles Townsend,” Colin said. “Shove it down his throat like a dummy.”

“That’s not what dummies are used for, Colin.”

“They can be shoved anywhere a person is open, Cass.” Colin sniffed sharply, his attention turning towards his daughter’s nappy. His nose wrinkled. “Right. She’s shat herself.”

“Oh no.”

“Wanna come help me sort her out, Cass?”

Cassian swiped at his eyes and followed Colin out of the kitchen, because that was the thing about the Huxleys; they never let you sit in the wreckage of your emotions for too long.

Chapter Four

The sourdough was perfect.

Ruari pulled the last boule from the oven at half four in the morning and set it on the cooling rack beside the other eleven, and each of them had an ear so sharp it could cut you. The crust was the deep auburn of a proper bake, and when he tapped the base of the nearest loaf, it sounded hollow, which signalled an open, glossy crumb within.