Page 45 of Packing for Vacation

The walk back to the car is filled with the silence that is far heavier than I’m used to when in the company of these two. It sets my omega on edge, though by the time we’re buckling ourselves into Matiu’s car they’re cracking jokes again, leaving me wondering if I’m imagining things.

Chapter Sixteen

Lizzie

Iwake in the middle of the night in a panic, the sudden sense that I’m running out of time—that I’m drowning in my to-do list—utterly overwhelming. I slip out of Scott’s arms as quietly as I can, crawling backwards, practically jumping out of my skin when I lean on my cute Kiwi bird plushy and the damn thing screeches, the electronic soundbox hidden within its stuffing ridiculously loud in the quiet of my nest. Matiu makes a grumbling noise and rolls over onto his stomach, and I spend the next minute frozen on hands and knees, my face hovering over his ass, staring at the patterns on his pūhoro in the light of my salt lamp until I’m certain both men are going to remain asleep.

I’m obsessed with them, but in this moment I need to be by myself.

Rather than risk waking them while searching for some clean clothes, I creep downstairs in the nude, the temperature thankfully warm enough that I’m still comfortable. I slip into each of their dedicated bedrooms, stealing a T-shirt from Matiu and a loose pair of boxer shorts from Scotty, dressing quickly before curling up in my favourite spot on the couch. Barry, who has been asleep in his bed beside the bedraggled artificial Christmas tree that Scott set up yesterday, raises his head, his eyes shining in the ever-changing glow of the multicoloured Christmas lights.

“It’s okay Barry,” I tell him softly. “You can sleep.”

He yawns, tongue lolling, lays his head back on his paws, and closes his eyes, body relaxing once more.

I wish I could relax. I’ve been putting off my life admin, but time is ticking, and while I should still have another week or two before anything major happens, there’s no denying that my heat is coming soon. It’s always like this with me. I can have fun for weeks, even months without a worry, but eventually whatever it is that I’ve been putting off always comes back to bite me in the ass, the stress alone choking, rendering me frozen when it comes to answering emails or completing important tasks. I wasn’t always like this, but everything became more difficult once I revealed as an omega.

Pulling up the calendar on my phone, I count through 90 days from when I landed here in New Zealand, and start searching for flights back to Canada that leave in the days prior to my visa running out.

The idea of ever getting on a plane that takes me further away from Scott and Matiu makes me feel physically ill, but I’m wide awake now and I know I won’t sleep again until I feel like something is sorted. I’m scanning through price comparisons—if I can avoid transiting through a busy US airport I’ll happily pay extra—when I realise I ought to have a conversation with the guys about all of this before I touch my flights. What if they want to come back to Canada with me for a visit? What if they both say I should just cancel the flights entirely? What if they want to start my application for permanent residency here tomorrow?

I sit frozen, staring at the blinking Christmas lights, my vision growing blurry until all I can see are big orbs of colour—reds, oranges, blues, and greens. I want to protect my heart. I didn’t do that the first time around. I went all in and left so, so broken, and yet I can’t see any way to get to where I want to be without being vulnerable.

Because I want to form a pack with Matiu and Scott. I want to be their omega. Yesterday when I watched Scott build this old, ugly little Christmas tree and cover it in decorations that were manufactured before I was born, all I could focus on was his face. He’d worn a thoughtful, contemplative, almost sad expression, and when he told me that no one had put this tree up since his mother’s passing it had taken everything in me not to break down and cry.

Now, as I sit here and stare at it, all I can think is that it’s a stark reminder to live. I need to stop letting my past mistakes define me, because love is scary but that’s the whole point. It’s a risk. Falling in love is always going to be a risk.

“Stupid,” I whisper, swiping at my cheeks only for more tears to fall, because I’ve been in denial but there’s no running from the fact that I’m in love with Matiu and Scott. I would love them even if we weren’t scent matched, I’m certain of that. And I can’t imagine ever leaving.

I can’t get on a plane back to Canada.

“I guess I can call it a productive night if I’ve made a choice at least,” I say to Barry, dabbing at my eyes again, only to realise that Barry isn’t in his bed. I turn at the sound of his paws clacking down the mezzanine stairs, bursting into fresh tears when he’s followed by Scott a moment later.

Barry jumps on the couch and lays his head in my lap, big brown eyes looking up at me with concern. Scott, in nothing but his underwear, reaches me a moment later.

“Hey, hey, sweet, it’s okay, it’s gonna be okay, I promise.” He takes a seat next to me, wrapping his arms around me tight. I press my face to his neck, breathing in his pine scent, my breath coming in shaky little sobs. His purr is so loud it vibrates through me, and I relax into him.

“I’m sorry…”

“Don’t apologise. It’s okay. Whatever it is, we can fix it.”

“I feel so silly… I came down here to try and get some of my things sorted… I have to cancel my flight and we haven’t discussed…” I pout as Matiu comes down the stairs too. “I didn’t mean to wake you! It’s three in the morning and…”

Matiu leans over the back of the couch, wrapping his arm around me and kissing the top of my head. “It’s okay,” he says, his nose buried in my hair and his voice still thick with sleep.

“I’m hormonal. I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologising.”

“I can tell my heat is coming within the next two weeks.”

They both nod silently, though I can hear the And? hanging in the air despite neither of them voicing it. I know they already know this.

“I haven’t sorted any of my shit. Flights. I have to cancel the original ones. And it’s an easy enough task, you’d think. I had a successful career in marketing for years, why am I feeling like I have a wall when I even dare to think about doing the most important things for me? So I woke up and felt panicked all of the sudden, and came down here to sort it, and froze when I realised that I really need to know…”

My heart beats rapidly in my chest. Both Matiu and Scott are frozen, as still as statues, and even Barry seems to be waiting for me to speak, his whiskered eyebrows twitching as he glances between Scott and I.

“Am I going back to Canada in the new year?” I dare to ask. “Am I going back at all?”