Page 64 of Play With Me

I took her hand and let her pull me up.

As I stepped out of the tent, the air felt different against my skin. Less stuffy.

I wasn’t suddenly brave or ready.

But for the first time since the hug, I wasn’t staring at the ceiling anymore.

30

Grit

Boston, MA

Will

It was the end of the first week in December, and time was running faster.

One week until the end of the semester.

Three until Christmas.

Five until I flew to San Diego on a morning flight for pre-deployment training in Twentynine Palms.

Seven until I’d be back in Helmand Province. If I had luck on my side, I’d have three months to build out reinforcements for the FOB before the snow melted and the fighting season began. I hoped the engineers we were replacing didn’t do a shit job. It wasn’t sexy, but I’d rather be building shelves for the CO because the important shit was already solid. Because my unit was as safe as I could make them.

To piss me off and help me “prepare for the sandbox,” Louisa put a little bit of sand in the bag of bread I kept in the room for peanut butter sandwiches, which accounted for about 60% of my daily caloric intake. I hadn’t gotten around to replacing it, so by the time I met up with the study group for technical writing, I was so fucking hungry I could hardly think straight.

I lifted a hand to wave at Nathalie on the other end of the table. What writing course had a term paper and a multiple-choice exam at the end? I fucking hated this class.

The study group was useless, and after an hour of mostly listening to them talk about their weekend plans and getting nothing of value from being there, I started packing up. Nathalie slid out of her seat and came to my end of the table. She perched on the tabletop, fingers wrapped around the edge.

“I listened to a podcast that talked about Louisa’s app,” she said. “The one for artists?”

“Yeah?” I hadn’t heard it. Didn’t even know it was out there. “Which podcast?”

“I forget the name. I’ll text it to you later.” She was being nice. “It sounds amazing, what she’s accomplished, Will.”

“It is. She is, yeah.”

Nathalie paused. I zipped up my bag. “What’s the worst that could happen if you told her how you feel?”

I looked up at her, trying hard to make sure my face was kind. I was too hungry for this conversation. Nathalie was a good person. This just wasn’t her business, and it felt like meddling. I was over it.

“She knows how I feel. I told her. It’s not something I’m hiding or anything. I’m not going to be the asshole who thinks I can change her. She’s not broken.”

“I didn’t say she was.” Nathalie held her hands up. “I just don’t want you to leave with things unsaid because you’re trying to do the right thing here.”

I scoffed. “I didn’t give you shit about your situation, Nathalie. Kindly fuck off about mine.” It came out more harshly than I intended, but she didn’t flinch, and I liked her even more for it. “I’m sorry. I’m just stressed.”

“Just don’t forget that some of us got to be kids a little longer than you did. Maybe she’s still figuring things out, you know?”

“Louisa didn’t. And she’d tell me. She tells me everything else. If she wants more than sex, I’m not going to turn her down because of Has. I don’t have that much self-control—and I know she’s worth it, even if what she wants doesn’t tick all my boxes,” I said. Nathalie didn’t look away. “But I’m not going to fuck things up with Hasan when she’s already drawn the line. Maybe she’ll consider giving me a shot someday, but until that’s something she wants me to know, my orders are pretty black and white.”

She nodded and squeezed my arm. “I hear you, Will. I just hope she knows that’s why you’re standing still.”

I wasn’t standing still. I was holding fast. There was a difference, even if they both felt a little like holding my breath.

I said my goodbyes to the group. Tomorrow was my last PT session in the morning, and then I was heading to New York with Has and Lou.