Page 148 of Graves

I sit down across from him and search for the right words.

Koh takes my hand. “Can’t we just forget about it?”

I let out a sad laugh. “We both know that’s not possible.”

Koh sniffs and nods.

“You need help,” I say gently.

“You helped me.”

“Help I can’t actually give you.”

“I didn’t want to do it,” he says, tears gathering in his eyes. “Not really. I mean…”

“That man has too much power over you.”

Koh’s face twists. “But I’m back now. We can start over.”

“Koh…” My heart aches at the silent plea in his eyes. “We have our fourth gig on Wednesday. The press is breathing down my neck, and a lot of people saw me punch Luke. It kills me to admit it, but he was right about one thing. I can’t give you the safety and stability you need right now.”

“Luke is gone. And I’ve managed before. On my own. And you… you know what to do. You’ve been through something similar.”

My skin prickles as I realize what he’s talking about. He’s listened to my songs. He’s probably one of the few people in the world who truly understands what they’re about.

He’s brought it up before, and I managed to dodge the subject. Not this time. The memories grip my throat.

I stand abruptly, shaking my head as panic creeps in. I spent all night thinking about what’s best for him.

“It won’t work,” I say, turning back to him. “God, Koh! Don’t you see how dependent he made you?”

My attempt to steer the conversation back to him bounces right off.

“But you’re my way out,” he says.

I stare at him, mouth open. That’s not Koh talking. That’s the desperate boy inside him, grasping at any straw to keep from drowning.

“I want the old Koh back. The strong, confident man who sees me for who I really am.”

“You are strong.”

He has no idea.

Or is he blind to the truth?

Sleep deprivation is eating at me, and in a surge of self-directed anger, I lose it.

“There is no way out!” I snap. “Don’t you get it? Nothing will change unless you make it change! Luke will always be who he is. People like him don’t change! You are you. I am me. And trust me—I’m not worth it!”

“How can you say that? Why do you think that?” Koh asks, stunned.

“I wished for Ben’s death!” I admit. “Do you understand? No matter how much I loved him, I knew deep down it would never end as long as he was alive. I wished for it again and again. What kind of person does that? I loved him, and still… I didn’t want him to die!”

Koh sits there with his mouth open, speechless. I let myself go too far. I need a second to pull myself together. I cover my face, my fingers tangling in my hair.

“Shit… Don’t you see? Ben broke me. I’m the last person who can help you.”

“But Ben’s gone,” Koh says in a flat voice. “You’re just as trapped as I am. We could help each other, but instead you do what you always do—push away anyone who tries to get close.”