Page 90 of Play Room Actor

“Are you on drugs?” he asked.

I shook my head and took a sip of water. I didn’t even want to imagine what kind of wreck I’d be if I’d also been high. At least I’d had enough sense to stay sober.

“Were you at a party?”

I stared at his gray sweatpants and light blue T-shirt for a while—I couldn’t bring myself to face him as I nodded with remorse. We sat in silence while I tried to concentrate on my breathing.

“Did you … were you raped?”

I heard the fear in Nico’s shaky voice and felt the courage it must have taken him to ask that question.

“No,” I said quietly—though I was well aware that the situation could easily be perceived that way. But I couldn’t get enough of Kilian. He had given me what I so desperately needed.

He’d called it a “goodbye fuck” before walking out on me, leaving no room to explain.

It sounded as if we’d been in a relationship and he’d caught me cheating.

I knew that Livio’s message had triggered my addiction. But when I stood in front of that table of drugs and saw the Viagra, I realized I wasn’t lost yet. I came to my senses and figured if I was already there, I might as well give things a test run—after all, I’d been able to perform with Kilian.

Or was I just fooling myself?

“What did you screw up?” Nico asked.

I cleared my throat and squirmed in my chair. “The thing with Kilian.”

“You two seemed to get along so well. You stayed with him when he was sick. What happened?”

“Yeah,” I said softly. “Sick … What a fucking mess.” I propped my elbows on the table and cracked my knuckles. “He showed up at the party,” I choked out, finally meeting Nico’s gaze.

His light hair hung loose, tucked behind his ears. His gentle eyes rested on me, giving me time to collect my thoughts without pressuring me with questions.

I shook my head in disbelief. “I don’t know how, but he was there. And …” I squeezed my eyes shut and inhaled a deep breath. “It was so good.”

“You were able to?” Nico nodded briefly toward my lap.

“Yeah,” I said, staring out the window and picking at my lower lip. “Viagra makes it possible.” I shuddered. “But the point is, I couldn’t before. I didn’t feel anything with those other guys. No arousal. It was only when Kilian walked in … Shit, man.”

“And where is Kilian now?”

“No idea. He called it a goodbye fuck and disappeared.”

“That sounds like you broke up. Were you together?”

“It’s all my fault. Ever since Livio showed up at the theater on Thursday, everything’s gone to hell. And it’s because of me.”

“It’ll be okay,” Nico said confidently. “You’re here now. Get some sleep. Stay a few days. It’s probably better than going home.”

“I have to work.”

“At Red? As a bouncer? Definitely not. I’ll call you in sick. You need a quiet weekend. And on Monday, you’ll call your therapist.”

“I need to shower,” I said abruptly, standing up.

I felt so dirty—not because of Kilian, but because of all the other guys at the party. I was disgusted with myself.

Nico handed me a towel and set out a toothbrush. When I came out of the shower, he showed me which room I could use.

“This was the guest room, but I use it as a writing space now. The bed’s freshly made. I left you a T-shirt too.” He walked across the room and pulled the white curtains shut. “Luca will be home at some point, but don’t worry, I told him about you.”