Page 23 of All We Carry Home

The nightmare of the Thompson rounds hitting the floorboards flashed again in my vision, but I tamped it down.

As vivid as Keith’s rejection had been, so were the times we’d played together as children, the moments we’d snuck away together. He’d been my closest friend until the war and my confession upended everything.

Keith looked like his father, Victor, but without the hard lines around his mouth and eyes. His face was narrow but chiseled and still boyishly handsome, his eyes a deep brown. His hair was honey blond and straight as it fell over his brow in a mysterious, brooding manner. There was a reason the girls in town had always fawned over him and battled for his attention. Except for me. I’d always had his attention and didn’t know what to do with it.

The Romeo and Juliet of Baker County—until I’d so foolishly thought that young love would triumph over my parents’ unspeakable sins.

“You look amazing, Eva.” He scanned me. “It’s so good to see you.”

A lump of emotion rose in my throat—feelings I’d long since buried. I smothered it all back down to the same unending pit of self-pity that I refused to confront.

“These are for you.” Keith held out the flowers and shoved his free hand in his pocket.

I clenched my jaw. I hated flowers, but I knew the gesture was meaningful. I took them and walked into the kitchen to put them in water, nodding for him to follow me.

He stepped inside, looking around as if waiting for Gramps to walk around the corner.

“Thank you,” I said softly as I reached for a glass jar out of the cabinet and turned on the faucet.

“I’ve been wanting to see you since you got back.” He stepped up to me. “Can we talk?”

The distance between us felt strange. Years ago, I would have been tucked against his side, completely twitterpated by him. Now, I saw life differently. “I have a lot of work to do this morning.”

“What about your sunrise rides to the bluff? Can I come along?”

The reminder hit me to the core—yet another thing I’d lost in the mess I’d discovered when I returned to Birkstrom. I put the flowers in the water. “I don’t have time for that anymore.”

“Is there anything I can do?” He took my hands in his. I expected electricity but felt nothing.

“You can have a conversation with your father,” I said. “He made his intentions very clear yesterday.”

His eyes flashed with anger. “He promised me he wouldn’t come by yesterday.”

“He lied.” Again.

“I’m so sorry.” He shook his head, squeezed my hands. “I’ll talk to him.”

“I don’t want to lose Birkstrom,” I whispered.

“I’ll do what I can to talk him out of this crusade.” His voice went soft, reminiscent of that timid, frightened boy I’d latched on to in our youth. I was the runaway uncertain of this new home, and he was the boy terrified of his father.

Would the man standing before me be able to stand up to his father the way he never could as a boy?

“Eva, I need you to know,” he said, “I messed things up all those years ago, but I missed you more than you’ll ever know.”

I pulled my hands free of his and crossed my arms. “Cheryl said you were keeping plenty busy with Millie.” Cheryl Jenkins, the only other woman who showed Arabian horses in our area, had always been my source of gossip.

“I tried to move forward with my life, but it didn’t work out at all with Millie.” Keith flushed, then his eyes locked onto mine. “You’ve always been the girl for me.”

Just not my name, I thought.

“I reacted poorly when we last spoke,” he continued. “I was young and dumb.”

No, he feared the truth of who my family was and what it meant to his reputation or family name if the word ever got out. I just couldn’t see how he wasn’t equally ashamed of who his father was.

It didn’t matter, because I’d thought long and hard about those moments. In the long nights when I couldn’t sleep or the quiet shifts at the hospital before the onslaught, I’d agonized over my first and only love who had turned on me. In time, I realized I couldn’t blame him for how he’d reacted. In a way, his rejection reminded me of where I stood in this world.

I vowed I’d never tell another soul the truth. I’d never date or get married, not when that meant the same shadow of my own family cast upon someone else.