Page 87 of The Irish Goodbye

“And this Ritchie guy won’t do it without you?”

“So it would seem.” He shook his head. “I can’t. It’s crazy. Plus it involves being around Deirdre, which, no fecking thanks. Come here,” he said, wrapping his arm around her waist and pulling her in for a kiss. “I’m sorry about this. I was shocked to see her here.”

Cordelia kissed him back mechanically, her mind racing. “What do you mean, you can’t?” she said, extracting herself from his arms. “It sounds like an incredible opportunity.”

“Well, of course, I mean Ritchie Malcolm is one of my heroes. He’s a virtual god in the restaurant world. But Cordie, I can’t go skipping off to London. How would that even work?”

“I don’t know, but I bet you could figure it out,” Cordelia said. “Isn’t this what you’ve always wanted? You’d have your pub back but even better. Because you’d be working with your literal hero.” What was he not getting about this? “Your own restaurant in London, Niall! I mean, my god. How can you say no to that?”

“Come with me then,” Niall said, stepping toward her. Cordelia probably should have seen that coming. And for one fleeting moment, she tried to imagine it. But the pictures were hazy and incomplete, nothing like the crystal-clear future she had seen for them in New York.

Because there was no future for Cordelia in London.

“I can’t,” she said. “I have to go back to the States when my visa ends. You know that.”

“You could get another tourist visa. Come for another three months.”

“I need to get a job when I get back to the city, Niall,” Cordelia said. “And what would I do in London anyway? I can’t work there.”

“You could keep doing your Instagram thing.”

“That isn’t a job.”

“I’ll support you.”

“I can’t let you do that.” She saw he was going to argue so she added, “I don’t want you to do that. I need to be able to take care of myself.”

“What about us, though?” Niall asked. “What about … what we talked about yesterday at the Black Fort?” His face turned apprehensive.

And Cordelia saw, with a sudden, vicious clarity, that she had to lie to him. She had to tell him no. Because she couldn’t let him come to New York and work in some random pub when he had this incredible chance to make a name for himself, to run his own place, his own kitchen. She wasn’t about to let him give up on his dreams because of her. And she couldn’t give up her independence to follow him to London, unable to earn money of her own or stay long term. The thought of rejecting him was a hot stabbing pain straight through her breastbone. But the thought of him missing out on this opportunity was unacceptable.

She clenched her jaw and forced her face to stay neutral.

“I can’t marry you, Niall.”

She saw pain flicker across his face and hated herself for it. “Why not?”

“It’s too soon. It’s too much. Marriage? Really? We barely know each other.”

“But …” Niall blinked. “I thought you felt the same as me.”

Her stomach quivered and she strained to keep her voice steady. “You can’t miss out on this kind of opportunity over a summer fling. That would be insane.”

Niall looked like she’d slapped him. “Fling?”

“Look, we’ve had fun, right? Let’s just leave it at that.” She felt the tears start to form and blinked them back. She had to get through this. She couldn’t break down or he’d know. He’d see through her. And he wouldn’t leave. If there was one thing that became achingly clear in this moment, it was that she loved Niall too much to let him give this up for her. “You should go to London.”

Niall’s eyes filled with tears and Cordelia almost broke. “What are you saying, Cord?” he said quietly.

Cordelia took a deep breath.

“I don’t want you to come to New York with me, okay? We’ve had a fun summer and all, but our lives are just too different. You’ve got your career to pursue and I’m finally getting back in a groove with my photography.”

“I don’t care that our lives have been different,” Niall insisted. “I wouldn’t care if we came from different planets. You brought me back from the abyss, Cord. You’ve given me a life worth living. You think I wouldn’t give up anything, anything at all to be with you?”

The pain at hurting him was a violent, slavering monster inside her. She knew what she had to do even as the monster tore at her ribs and shredded her heart.

“You say that now but you don’t really know, Niall. You could end up resenting me. Things could get messy. It’s not worth the risk. I’ve already got a life in New York and you aren’t a part of it. You wouldn’t … fit.” Her voice almost cracked, the lie too vicious to be borne.