Page 79 of The Irish Goodbye

The Kilmurvey House was one of the nicest hotels on the island.

“We didn’t mean to intrude,” Gary said. “Your mother was very eager to see where you’ve been living.”

He looked just as relieved as Cordelia when the drinks arrived. She wondered if he’d had any hesitations about this trip but had been steamrolled by her mother.

“We’re not intruding, how could we be intruding, we’re only here for one night,” Louise said dismissively. “I want to hear more about …” She glanced around and lowered her voice. “Niall.”

“You don’t have to whisper, Mom,” Cordelia said. “Everyone knows we’re together.”

“So … he is your boyfriend, then?” She bit her lip, her eyes bright.

Cordelia groaned. “Yes, he’s my boyfriend.”

Louise clapped her hands and beamed at Gary. “I knew it! I knew she’d find someone here. Gary, didn’t I tell you? I said she’s been so sad and so lonely, maybe this trip will do the trick.”

“No you didn’t,” Cordelia said, exasperated. “That is the opposite of what you said.”

“Louise, come on, don’t embarrass the poor girl,” Gary said as Cordelia downed half her wine in two large gulps and signaled Shauna for another glass.

Louise looked flustered. “I only want you to be happy, Cord.”

“Do you?” Cordelia demanded. “Because if you really wanted me to be happy, you would have listened to me when I said don’t come.”

“I don’t know why you’re being so difficult,” Louise said.

“I’m not being difficult!” Cordelia cried. All the anger and resentment and pain she had been holding onto came boiling up to the surface. “You’re the one who’s jetting around the world and acting like a teenager. You’re the one who plows through every conversation like you know all the fucking answers. You’re the one who’s been trying to push a man on me like that will somehow solve all my problems. You’re the one who acts like Dad never existed or mattered at all. I mean, Jesus, Mom, did you even love him?”

People were definitely staring now. Cordelia was vaguely aware of Niall and Róisín hovering by the kitchen doors. She didn’t care. Her pulse was pounding in her ears.

All the blood drained from Louise’s face. “How dare you,” she said. “How dare you even ask me that.”

Gary was very pointedly looking at the posters on the walls. Cordelia had had enough.

“Excuse me,” she said and pushed away from the table, storming out the front door. The air was chilly and damp. Cordelia’s face was hot, her eyes filling with tears that spilled over, dripping down her cheeks.

“Cordelia.”

She turned around, and her mother was standing there with her arms crossed over her chest. “Do you honestly believe I never loved your father?”

Cordelia threw her hands up. “I don’t know, you seemed to get over him pretty quickly.”

“Excuse me?” Louise’s nostrils flared. “Cordelia Marie, I’ve missed your father every single day since he died and I will miss him every single day until the day I die. He was the love of my life. Don’t you ever question that again, do you hear me?”

“Then how come you started dating Gary so fast? And why do you keep pushing me to get a boyfriend like I’m a carton of milk about to expire?”

Louise’s whole face changed and she suddenly seemed to wilt. “I know I’ve been a bit much, with all the dating apps and whatnot.”

“You think?”

“But Cordie …” Louise’s breath hitched and a tear glistened in her eye. “I thought I’d have so much more time with Chris. I thought we had forever, or as close to it as we could get. And then he was just gone. My entire life as I knew it vanished in an instant. Your father left for work on a normal Wednesday and never came home. And it hit me how little time we have. I only ever wanted you to know that kind of love too, and to have it for as long as you could. To me it seemed like the longer you waited, the less you would get. And maybe that sounds silly—but Toby doesn’t need my help or advice and Nikki has her own mother to turn to. I thought I could help you. I wanted you to feel loved in the way that you deserve. But I don’t seem to be able to do anything right, do I?”

Cordelia didn’t know what to say. They hadn’t ever really talked about the day her father died.

“And as far as Gary goes, well … it didn’t feel fast. Not to me, anyway. I was so lonely, Cord. So achingly, terribly lonely. And do you really think you would have liked anyone I dated, whether now or ten years from now?” Cordelia pursed her lips but didn’t answer. “No, you wouldn’t have. And to be honest, I don’t like being on my own. I like being in a partnership, part of a team. But maybe I should have considered that what works for me doesn’t work for everyone. So …” She shrugged. “There. That’s it. You can judge me all you want now. We’ll cancel the hotel reservation and leave tonight. I really truly didn’t mean to upset you. But don’t you ever—ever—doubt the love I had for your father.”

“Oh, Mom,” Cordelia said. She wrapped her arms around Louise and breathed in the scent of Chanel No. 5 and cashmere. Cordelia remembered how her mother used to make instant hot cocoa and let Cordelia put as many marshmallows in as she could. She recalled the time when Louise had stood up to the parent of a girl who was bullying Cordelia in middle school. It was like ever since her father died, Cordelia had turned off all the good memories of her mother, choosing only to focus on the ways in which Cordelia felt Louise was letting her down. But she was the one who was always dodging her calls or cutting off a conversation. She’d been pushing her mother away instead of having an honest talk with her.

“I love you, Mom,” Cordelia murmured into her mother’s shoulder.