Page 3 of The Situationship

Yes, he was Daniel’s best friend. That should vouch for his character. But this was a small town. Maybe he was the best friend on a technicality. Best friend due to a lack of options.

Still. I wanted to see the dick rock.

I crossed my arms. “I want you to know that if this is some creepy ploy to get me alone in the woods to do something to me, it’s not going to go well for you.”

He blinked at me. “Okay…”

“You will not murder me. I will murder you,” I said. “And I’ll cover you in honey so the pig eats your body and they’ll never find you. So is there still a Dick Rock? Or are we saying goodbye now?”

He stared at me. “Uh… there’s still a Dick Rock.”

“Fine. Take me.”

He put his thumb over his back. “Maybe I should text someone and tell them where I am,” he said.

“Yeah, maybe you should.”

I grabbed the can of OFF! from him and sprayed my arms and legs while he pulled his cell out with his back to me and started texting. He kept looking over his shoulder like I might be coming up behind him with a strangulation device.

I also texted someone. I sent Emma a message that said, “Going with Doug to see a dick rock. If I disappear, I’m burying a body and I’ll be home by dinner.”

I hit send, put my phone back in my pocket, and peered around impatiently.

“Message sent?” I asked as he put his phone away.

“Yeah. I texted Daniel.”

“Good. Let’s go.”

He made a sweeping motion to indicate the ladies-first thing. I made the same gesture, but more dramatic, suggesting that he go first because no way was I being marched through the forest with a strange man at my back.

He went first.

I kept the OFF! in my hand to use as pepper spray should the situation arise.

The trail snaked into the woods and within a minute we’d lost the bike path.

“So, Daniel says you guys are nurses?” Doug said. And then, “Dick,” as he pointed to a penis carved into a birch tree.

“Yeah, I’m a nurse.”

“Cool. I’m an EMT. I drive the ambulance at the clinic,” he said over his shoulder.

“So do you have a farm or something?” I asked, not really interested in the answer.

“Yeah.”

I swatted a branch out of the way. “What kind?”

“Dairy mostly. Petting zoo, bees—Dick,” he said, pointing to another trunk carving. “You know, you’re kinda scary.”

“Thanks,” I muttered.

My phone pinged. It was Emma.

Emma: Daniel said he just got a text from Doug saying he’s taking you to Dick Rock and if he goes missing it was you who killed him ???

I gave the message a satisfied smirk and put my phone away.