Page 113 of Yours Truly

Her mouth fell open. “You sat in the rain just to talk to me?”

I looked at my lap for a long moment before looking back up at her. “I’d do a lot more than that for you.”

She raised her eyes to mine and we peered at each other in the silence.

The fire crackled and warmed the side of my face and the flames danced across her irises and I wanted to kiss her so badly every inch of my body screamed.

And that was the moment.

The first time my brain consciously registered what my heart had been telling me for the last few weeks.

I wasn’t falling in love with her.

I already was.

It’s funny how similar longing feels to grief. Even though she was right here, all I could think about was the part that was missing. The part I’d never get.

I was destined to love her up close and then eventually from a distance, and she’d never know it or love me back.

It stole the air from my lungs. It stole the strength in my arms and legs. It made me weak with disappointment and hopelessness, and I knew I would always carry the ache I felt in this moment.

Briana was a catastrophic life event. A thing that changed everything. And I wouldn’t be the same after this. All the women I’d ever met and all the women I ever would fell away beneath her.

She had me.

And it wasn’t because I was slightly buzzed, or feeling sentimental, or because of the way the fire lit her face, or how my shirt clung to her body. She had me. And I suspected she always would. No matter how this ended.

Nothing could have prepared me for her.

I reached out and put a hand to her cheek. A rule, broken. A boundary crossed. I had no reason to touch her like this. Nobody was watching.

But she didn’t move away. She just closed her eyes and leaned into it and I tried to pour all the love I felt into this tiny contact. Like maybe it would help me reach her. Maybe she could feel it and it would change something that likely wasn’t ever going to change.

“What does this one mean?” she whispered.

“This one what?” I said softly.

She opened her beautiful eyes and looked at me. “This quiet,” she said dreamily. “I know all of your quiets. I know when you’re alone with me and you’re quiet, it’s because your brain is still. And when you’re in public and you’re quiet, it’s because your brain is loud. But I don’t know this one. What’s this one?”

I held her gaze. “This one’s you.”

She smiled and then scooted over and curled up against me and I got to put an arm around her. She snuggled into me and it was everything. My entire universe condensed to a single place and time.

“Jacob?” she whispered.

I put my nose to her hair. “What?”

A long pause.

“I love you.”

I breathed out into her hair and closed my eyes.

She was drunk. Everyone loves everyone when they’re drunk. But even though she didn’t mean it the way I did, I almost said it back. But her breath had gone steady and I knew she was asleep.

It didn’t matter.

Nothing we talked about tonight would feel real tomorrow anyway. At least not for her. But I got to hold her. That was real. That was at least something.