Page 17 of Icebound

She’s right, and after the whole Isaac thing, I really shouldn’t be dating older guys, but like hell am I going to agree with my sister. “He’s thirty-three. That’s not that old. If he lives to be a hundred and five, he’s only lived thirty-one percent of his life. That’s nothing.”

“Yeah, but you’re twenty-two. I mean, you’re in completely different places in life.”

“I’m done talking about this with you.”

She lowers the cup, eyes glistening. “Nina, please, I’m trying here, okay? I’m sorry. I’m so so sorry for everything, but I don’t know what else to do. I’ve apologized a million times. Why can’t we at least try to be friends again?”

“You’re not my friend. You’re my sister.”

“I can be both.”

Silence wedges itself between us. The gap in our relationship is so wide that it has no trouble fitting.

“No, you can’t, Gwendolyn. You fucked the guy I lost my virginity to. Then I found out last week that you’ve been secretly dating him behind my back for an entire year. Do you want me to say that I’m fine with you sleeping with Isaac? Because that’d be a lie.”

She throws out her hands. Coffee spills from her mug. “Really, Nina? You ended things with Isaac over two and a half years ago. Two years. You’ve been with other people. It’s not like either of us cheated.”

“Yeah, except I just found out you were secretly dating him last week,” I parrot. “Give me a minute to process that, at least.”

“We waited six months before anything happened.”

“That doesn’t—”

She cuts me off. “And you never told me you lost your virginity to him because you don’t tell me anything. You said the only reason you dated him was because you liked guys in tweed vests. How was I supposed to know you were in love with him?”

Looking back, I can see what I thought was love was really infatuation, but sometimes, when I’m sucked into a particularly dark hole, I can’t help but wonder what Gwen has that made me not enough. That niggling thought pokes holes in my self-confidence, but I’m trying to put it behind me.

“That doesn’t matter.” I stand so fast I almost knock over my cup of water. “It’s not even about that. It’s about the fact that you went behind my back and tried to hide this from me. Do you know how awful that makes me feel? If you had told me you liked him, I probably would’ve been okay with it. Instead, I had to walk in on you sucking him off in the living room last week,” I shout. “It’s practically incest.”

She rolls her eyes. “It’s not incest.”

“It should be!”

Her green eyes spark with anger, giving them an eerie glow. “Please, you never would’ve been okay with us being together. That’s why we kept it a secret. You’ve spent your whole life hating me. This isn’t something new.”

I ignore that last comment because there isn’t a big enough suitcase to fit that emotional baggage. It’s not hatred I feel for Gwen. It’s a long-standing envy that’s the curse of a younger sister.

Confidence is woven into her DNA, while anxiety is embedded in mine. Gwen blinds everyone when she walks into a room. I don’t want to be the type of woman who dims another girl’s sparkle, but she shines so bright that no one can even see me. It’s like she has glitter running through her veins.

“Why did it have to be Isaac?” I mumble. “You could’ve had literally anyone else. Why him?”

“I don’t know, Nina.” She rubs her hands over her face. “I don’t want to make you uncomfortable by listing out all the things I like. We got to talking last year when he dropped off your stuff, but you’re right. We should’ve talked to you first. It just sort of happened.”

“Oh, really?” I sneer. “So, Isaac’s dick just accidentally slipped inside your mouth? Nice. I’m so sorry your chemistry was just so explosive that you couldn’t control yourselves.”

“Nina, just listen—”

“No,” I interrupt. “That’s such bullshit. You don’t ‘accidentally’ sleep with your sister’s ex. That’s something you think about, and you willingly chose to do this to me, so don’t act like this was out of your control. You chose him over me, and I can’t forgive you for that.”

“You know it’s not like that at all. I like him, but I love you, Nina.” Her face falls, and guilt bubbles inside me because I love my sister. I really do, despite our tangled relationship, except I never tell her I love her.

“Look,” I relent, grabbing my phone. “Let’s not do this. I’m tired of fighting, and I need to work on securing a donation for my ceramics class project.”

“How’s that coming, by the way? Are you ready for your speech?”

“No. You know I hate public speaking, but I still have four months to prepare, so I’ll be fine. I’m always fine.”

I pull out my phone, needing a distraction, but then I see a text on the screen. My heart pounds relentlessly when I read the message.