Page 81 of Haunt Me

The question breaks my heart because the answer isn’t simple. “No.”

He doesn't speak.

"I wasn't miserable, Graham."

"Then why?"

"Because I wasn't me."

Tears blur the room around me. "I loved you. I still love you, but I can’t marry you.”

The silence that follows is long enough that I check the screen to make sure the call hasn’t dropped.

When he finally speaks, his voice is barely above a whisper. "I would've spent the rest of my life trying to make you happy."

"I know you would have."

"I would've changed anything."

"I know."

"And somehow,” he says, letting out a broken laugh, “it still wouldn't have mattered."

I wipe at my cheeks with the back of my free hand. "It wasn't something you could fix."

"I wish you'd told me."

"So do I." I mean it, more than he probably believes. "I didn't understand what was happening until I couldn't ignore it anymore."

He doesn't answer right away. "I've been trying to figure out what I did wrong."

"You didn't do anything wrong."

"I must’ve, or you wouldn’t have left me."

"You loved me, Graham."

"I do love you."

"And you were kind."

"I tried."

"You were everything I thought I wanted." The words catch in my throat, thick and unwilling. "But my life was built around what I was supposed to want."

Another long silence settles between us. This one feels different than the others. Not easier, just quieter.

"I don't know what I'm supposed to do now.” His voice thins out, almost boyish now. “I keep walking past your coffee mug on the counter where you left it because I can’t bring myself to move it. I bought a house for us. I was going to surprise you."

A wave of grief opens somewhere behind my ribs, different from the guilt, heavier. "I'm so sorry, Graham."

"I believe you,” he says, and he sounds so tired saying it. “What can I say to get you to come home? To give us another chance?”

I close my eyes. If he were angry, this would be easier. If he’d yelled or blamed me or told me I’d ruined his life, I would accept it. I’ve earned it. But Graham has always loved me with his whole heart. That’s what makes this impossible.

“Nothing.” The word barely makes it past the knot in my throat. “That’s what I’ve been trying to find the words to tell you.” I take a shaky breath. “This isn’t about finding the right answer.”

“Then what is it?”