Page 91 of Undone

My body shudders like I’m there now, able to smash my fist into the guys on the other end of the comments. They’re endless from the ones who know me, who do their research, or watched my spectacular rise and fall from the sidelines.

“You never asked,” I say.

“You didn’t offer it,” he replies. Like it’s simple.

“Don’t act like you don’t hear half those goddamn chirps.”

He shrugs. “If you want to talk about it, Tor, I’m right here. I’m your friend—whether you want me to be or not.”

A sneer works onto my face, knee bouncing rapidly at my own heart rate. “So, you’re fine being friends with the guy who beat the shit out of a girl? Really?” I choke out a laugh and shake my head.

“I don’t think that’s true,” Holden says, voice steady. We both stare at each other, my eyes intense and unwavering as I look for any sign that he’s worried or unsure. A single slip of doubt might make me open this damn car door in the middle of the road. “I’ve seen Lily with you. I know her pretty well by now. She might be the only one on this campus who isn’t scared of you.”

It’s unfair, but I can’t stop it. A desperate need for someone to know the truth, when no one has asked before. Either people assume I did it and the charges were dropped, or they don’t ask. They just pretend my past doesn’t hang around my shoulders like a thick, dark cloud. A perpetual chain wrapped around my neck that threatens to drag me back wherever I go.

“Whatever.” I stare out the window.

“You can tell me,” Holden whispers, his hand reaching across the center console to touch my arm.

I jerk back feeling all at once wild and angry, like his touch is pain more than comfort.

“It was my fault anyway,” I say, almost a growl, tightening my fists as I cross my arms, a protective barrier. “For even being with her in the first place.”

Lily grins as I sit close to her, fingers raising to touch the scar that cuts through my lip. “We match.”

Teeth gritted now, I smack my hand against my head, fueled by nothing but pain and anger and memories I’d do anything to forget.

“Hey,” Holden says, grabbing my hand in his hands and pulling it away. It’s only then I realize we are parked in front of Lily’s town house. “Easy on the big brain or Lily and I are both screwed for math.”

I try not to stew in the regret that feels as familiar as skating. I’ve been here so many times. Why does Holden insist on trying to be my friend when I’ve done nothing that should make him want me?

I reach for the door handle, pushing it open, but Holden reaches his body across my waist and yanks the door closed again, locking it.

“Just wait, one second.”

“But—”

“Lily is okay. She’s got Paloma. She’s about to have us.” Holden blows a breath, one hand fiddling with the peeling leather of his wheel, the other rubbing at his temple. “It’s fine if you don’t want to talk to me about it. But I don’t think you hurt Lily.” His voice drops lower, softer. “I don’t think you’d hurt anyone on purpose.”

Relief blares through me and I clench my eyes tight. Don’t fucking cry. Do not fucking cry.

“If you want to tell me what happened, then do it. You know I’d never tell anyone, not if you don’t want me to.”

Part of me wants to, desperately. To open my mouth and spill the tied-up, broken pieces of myself over the cab of his car—maybe Holden could help me patch them up right, to make sense of this mess.

“I don’t really remember when I met Lily,” I say, nearly tripping over the words. It feels like a joke even now and I can’t stop the slight smile that comes from saying it. “I thought I made her up, for years. And I don’t— Sorry.” I shake my head. “It’s hard to talk about.”

Holden stares at me for a long time, enough that I can almost feel the shift of the power dynamic that’s always rested easily between us.

“I don’t know what it’s like, to be you,” he says. “I’ve never really been alone. Someone has always shown up. Maybe that’s what I’m trying to do for you.”

He shrugs after he drops the words, like it might relax the heavy weight of them. But he has no idea how freeing it feels.

“I was seven? I think? Somewhere around there,” I start. “Hiding out in the gardens, I didn’t know who the land belonged to really. But I was already an angry kid.” A scared kid, really. Another strangled huff of almost laughter. “And she was a little weirdo, kinda isolated.

“I had a cut, on my eye maybe? I don’t remember it exactly, but I do know she held my hand. And she kissed it because she said it would heal it. That she was magic.”

Holden grins broadly at that and it makes my words come faster, pouring like salt water from my lips—easy but the sting and burn is still ever present.