Page 113 of Meet Me After Life

‘Don’t play dumb after you’ve spent all this time bragging about your superior intelligence.’ I point in his face.

He takes my wagging digit and kisses the fingertip. ‘I wouldn’t exactly call it bragging.’ I wrench it away. I need to hear it. I need the version of him that’s honest, for once. As much as I wish that I didn’t.

‘Is it true that the North Star aren’t going to accept you?’ I say with as much stern as I can muster.

We spend a few moments in silent study of each other. In the end, he doesn’t even need to say it. My shoulders fall as I realise. ‘You never believed they were going to keep their word, did you?’

His sudden interest in avoiding eye contact is nothing if not disconcerting.

‘They’re not going to let me keep you, are they?’

‘No,’ he says. ‘They’re not.’

I look around, and for some reason I’m gripped by the sudden urge to hold something heavy to keep me grounded. You know, like a hammer or an anvil. Either want to sink or break something. ‘I’ll stay here then.’ I motion to the chaos of the fields.

‘No, Miller, you won’t.’ He smiles. ‘You can’t.’ His head tilts like he’s explaining arithmetic to an infant.

‘Why not? You do it! You’re always around here!’

‘Yes, but I was tethered to the Black Star. You can’t die and be untethered. As soon as your body decomposes, you’ll disappear.’

‘But you’re living – dead,’ ’ I amend, shaking my head, ‘proof that you can!’

Walker looks down at his forearm, and the previous green tattoo has morphed and taken a cerulean hue. The tattoo is made of moving lines without definitive form. Walker opens and closes his fist before he shakes his head.

‘I have no idea what you did to me back there or how long it’ll last, but you can be certain it won’t last, Miller. It can’t. It’s the laws of nature, not even you can defy them.’

‘So, what? You’ll just die then?’ My lip wobbles. Walker’s eyes soften, and he runs the pad of his thumb over my bottom lip.

‘Can’t you ask again?’ The wobble has migrated to my voice. ‘I’ll ask.’ I swallow and push my shoulders back, wiping my wet nose on my sleeve. ‘I’ll demand,’ I finish, strong. Well. Strong for me.

‘You’re in no position to make demands, and I’ll beg for nothing.’

‘Not even for me?’ My voice breaks.

‘I’m already at my knees. They’re not going to let me through, Miller, and with good reason. The only person I’m mildly good to is you. And even then, I’ve royally fucked that up.’ He tugs the hair that’s always in my eyes.

‘You’re good. You could be good to more than me if you were just given a chance!’

‘The only reason I’m good to you is because I—’ He shakes his head like he’s got water in his ears. ‘I am selfish. I don’t have the capacity to get to the North Star. I’m not… I don’t function the same way as you or any of them do. It wouldn’t take me. You know that pull? That draw you’ve always felt to it. That feeling was always for a reason. That’s because it’s claimed you. That’s because you’re made of the same stuff. I don’t feel that, Miller. If anything, I repulse the North Star.’

‘It doesn’t matter. They promised! They promised you a space if you got me there and now they’re just… I’ll beg. I’ll beg and you can love me and be selfish, and I’ll be good enough to get us both by, okay?’ By the time I’m finished, I’m gripping his suit jacket, pulling him against me like I can press us into one person and never be apart. Have fun taking me without him, North Star, you rat bastard!

‘Okay,’ he says, stroking my hair.

‘Okay?’ I repeat.

‘Okay.’ He nods.

‘You’re lying again, aren’t you?’

He won’t answer. He doesn’t have to. Walker pulls me into his chest, and I cry. I cry and sob and make a mess.

‘It’s not fair. They won’t let me have you and it’s not fair.’

He gently shushes me, holds me and rocks me from side to side until my cries transition to hiccups.

‘If you were a better man, you would’ve tried harder to make me hate you.’ I sniff.