Page 55 of Fall Into Me

And all of her happiness and joy and the bright blue of her eyes and the huge smile on her face all suddenly triggered one of those uncomfortable shifts in his chest. He was plenty used to them now, and he forced a smile through the feeling—that godawful, sinking feeling that started up in his throat and quickly dropped down into his stomach like a lead weight.

Ashlynn would have loved this moment.

He couldn’t stop the thought from coming, or the intense grief and overwhelming sense of emptiness that followed. But he swallowed it back, hiding it with a practiced smile, and tightened his arm around Bri as she kept waving and calling out “Bah-bah!” He bounced her on his hip out to the parking garage and to his car, and she kept babbling, going on and on in her limited speech about something or other. He made sure to stay present with her, nodding and responding with an “Oh, yeah?” or “Is that so?” whenever she would pause for long enough. But the feeling didn’t go away.

When she was strapped into her car seat, he smiled again and reached over her to grab her favorite stuffie, Ollie the Octopus, which had fallen into the middle seat.

She kicked her feet and squealed and lifted up her arms to take her toy, and Ash watched, his heart hurting, as she hugged it and then gave it one of her lovely, sloppy kisses.

He smiled. “Ollie is happy to see you, huh?” he said softly, and he touched her cheek.

“Mwah!” She kissed the octopus’s face again and laughed. “Un-ca! Un-ca!”

“Hmm? What is it, sweet girl?”

Bri seemed to stop and stare at him for a moment, and then, as though she knew he really wasn’t okay, despite how hard he was trying to hide it, she dropped her beloved toy in her lap and reached up with both arms.

“Ug? Un-ca Ash ug?”

The detached numbness in his chest, that emptiness that he knew nothing would ever really fill, deflated as he nodded and leaned in so Bri could wrap her tiny little arms around his neck. She planted another of her big, wet kisses on his cheek and then squeezed him tight.

“Uh ooo. Mwah!”

Ash closed his eyes, unable to stop a tear from slipping out. “I love you, too, baby girl.”

She hugged him for another few good, long seconds, and every single one helped him more than she’d ever know. When she finally let go and picked Ollie back up, he was crying again, but they were tears of deep love.

“Ah beh-uh. Mwah!” She kissed his nose again, and he smiled.

“All better, yeah. Thank you for the wonderful hug. That helps me a lot,” he said quietly.

With another of her big, happy smiles, Bri clapped, accidentally dropping her octopus stuffie out of her car seat. It bounced onto the floor of the car, and Ash chuckled with her, picked up her toy, and handed it back to her.

“Ready to go now?”

“Da!”

“Okay, hold onto Ollie there. Don’t let him fall.”

Bri giggled and squeezed the octopus tighter, which made Ash smile again. He scooted back and straightened up, then jogged around to the driver’s side and climbed in. Bri was quiet most of the very short drive home, and Ash did his best to anchor his mind firmly in the present, where he could mostly, usually, sometimes keep all of his grief hidden and pushed way deep down.

He pulled into his usual spot in the parking garage at his apartment right as Bri started babbling again, and he let himself smile as he listened to her series of nonsense words. He’d just about convinced himself to get up and moving when his phone buzzed from his pocket. An immediate eagerness flickered in his chest, and he quickly pulled out the phone.

Cass’s name popped up on the screen, and Ash tapped on the notification.

“Ah, he made it, Bri,” Ash said aloud. He huffed a small laugh, knowing Bri wouldn’t have any idea what he was talking about. “Cass is here, in Seattle. His flight just landed. Cool, huh?”

Bri squealed and said a loud, enthusiastic “Da!,” and Ash laughed again.

“I guess you wouldn’t really remember him. But maybe, hmm . . .” He trailed off as he started typing a short message. Then he hit send before he could lose his nerve.

Ash (4:33 p.m.): Do you have time for coffee, my treat? I never really got to thank you properly for helping me last year :)

He pursed his lips as he stared at the phone, waiting for a response. He’d wanted to extend the invitation several times over the last few days, as Cass had been finalizing his plans for the short trip. But every time he’d almost done it, he’d chickened out, reasoning Cass didn’t have the time. He was literally flying in today and then out tomorrow evening, immediately after the new student orientation finished for his online MLIS program. Ash knew that was a flimsy excuse, however, and he really wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous about the offer.

It would be easy enough for Cass to turn him down if he didn’t have time or—Ash grimaced inwardly—if he didn’t want to.

But the little flicker of eagerness in his chest didn’t let up, even when he didn’t get an immediate response.