Page 51 of Fall Into Me

He took a long, slow breath and finally pushed himself away from the wall. With one last look toward his now-clean-ish kitchen, he flipped off the lights. Then he turned and headed toward the bedroom to get some much-needed rest.

In just a few short hours, he’d start all over. More classes, more schoolwork, more shopping, more parenting.

And maybe, if he was really lucky, he’d even get to do some laundry.

Dad (Wednesday, February 16, 2022 – 12:28 a.m.): Hey, thanks for your help cleaning up that mess. I don’t tell you this enough, but I appreciate all you do for me and your mom. She’s back in bed now, hopefully asleep soon

Dad (12:30 a.m.): Love you

Chapter Twenty

Cass

Cass plugged in his phone and set it on the nightstand as soon as he hung up with Ash. Then he rolled over onto his stomach, pulled the comforter up to his shoulders, and buried his head in his pillow, fully intending to sleep.

He did have to get up in only a few hours now, and so, he should be sleeping.

But sleep wouldn’t come.

Instead, his mind jumped around between random thoughts. Mostly about Ash. Ash and their conversation. Actually, all of their conversations.

And a now-familiar guilt resurfaced.

He groaned into his pillow and reached over to pick up his phone again. After he unlocked it, he opened his text messaging app and scrolled down to Joe’s most recent texts. The invitation to breakfast in just a little over five hours now was right near the top, and Cass’s affirmative response followed, the words and tone so obviously a manufactured enthusiasm that felt like how Cass was living most of his life now.

Or at least, the portions of his life that didn’t involve his conversations with Ash.

He swallowed hard and stared at Joe’s “Great! See you at 7!” and then the three little red-heart emojis, and he groaned again, turned over onto his back, and closed his eyes, letting his phone fall to his chest.

Joe was amazing. Attentive and kind without being overbearing. Understanding and complimentary and sweet. He’d treated Cass with a respect that none of the other men Cass had dated ever had. And he was funny and handsome and smart.

But Cass had never spent hours in text back-and-forths with Joe or called Joe only because he wanted to chat. He’d also never had such a yearning to just hear Joe’s voice.

They had a good time when they were together. Joe was a wonderful friend. But, even after dating for two months, Cass had nearly no desire for their relationship to keep progressing to anything more than that. He wanted intimacy; he’d always wanted it, in theory. But even when he really tried, even when he’d finally let them go mildly beyond just kissing on their date on Monday—his first Valentine’s Day with a romantic partner—Cass couldn’t actually bring himself to feel anything more than a sort of bland pleasantness.

No yearning. No strong attraction or heat or want.

It didn’t make sense.

But more than that, it wasn’t fair to Joe to keep pretending. In fact, it was starting to feel pretty shitty, especially since Cass did feel those things whenever he even so much as thought about Ash.

He lay there for a few more minutes, replaying the end of his phone conversation with Ash and Ash’s more-than-awkward response to Cass telling him he had a boyfriend.

The single word “oh” echoed over and over. He still wasn’t sure if it had been a good “oh” or a bad “oh” or maybe just a surprised “oh.” It had almost seemed like something of all three, really. Which also made no sense.

Frustrated and exhausted and also finally recognizing the fact that he needed to break up with his boyfriend, despite all the reasons Joe was sweet and wonderful and good for him, Cass set his phone back on the nightstand, rolled over onto his stomach again, and closed his eyes. And he tried to sleep, reasoning that maybe things would feel less complicated in the morning.

Things did not feel less complicated in the morning.

The second Cass saw Joe waiting outside the café where they were meeting for breakfast, an eager, enthusiastic smile on his face, all the resolve he’d had went right out the window.

“Hey, good morning,” Joe greeted, eyes shining as he stepped closer and offered Cass his hand.

Cass faltered for half a step but quickly caught himself and forced a smile. “Good morning.”

He took Joe’s hand and let his boyfriend pull him in for a brief, chaste kiss that was, as usual, blandly pleasant. His stomach knotted up. He should do this here, now. Not wait.

“So,” Joe started, shifting away and reaching out with his free hand to open the door to the café, “how’s your mom doing? Any better?”