Page 33 of The Unbecoming

Sadie and her parents found me a lawyer who doesn’t demand anything of me. Kimberly Roth came to see me at the hospital and discussed everything with Ricky. I realized early on that he didn’t want me charged, but the district attorney wanted to blame someone. I just happened to be the only one alive to blame.

Kimberly managed to get me house arrest, and I haven’t been in jail once, surprisingly. She argues that incarcerating me would only cause me further harm, and the judge agreed. I’ve been allowed to go to class and do what I needed to do in order to graduate, but the school refused to let me walk.

But, hey, I graduated at the top of my class.

My final project for Professor Green consisted of all my notes, plus the vague statement I wrote. He didn’t make me present it, mostly because he knew I wouldn’t. Everyone at school, besides the Dean, has been very accepting, and no one has given me any shit.

Kimberly had to get special permission for me to move, since I have graduated now. It’s not like I have anyone to move in with, so she and Sadie helped me find a place. Ricky even helped move all my boxes.

Now, I am stuck in this apartment, but I have a wonderful view of the sky from my balcony. I spend most of my time sitting out here watching the clouds, wishing I could go back in time and save them both.

Sadie comes by every day, and she tells me about her day. She doesn’t try to force me to talk, and I appreciate that the most. Ricky comes by every few days, too, but I think he just feels guilty. It’s hard for me to comprehend why he cares, but whatever the reason, he does. He brings me groceries, and Sadie cooks because she knows I won’t eat if I am the one who has to put in the effort.

Right now, I am taking it day by day. Thoughts of them consume me, but I’m mostly numb right now. I was ignoring that I am a week late, but I can’t continue like this. I know it, even if I don’t want to face it just yet. I still haven’t given a full statement to Ricky, and I know if I do, the charges will be dropped. Or at least I think they will. I’ll never know if I don’t say something, though.

I texted Sadie today and asked her to bring me a pregnancy test. Now, I’m staring at two pink lines, and the walls are slowly starting to close in around me again.

I turn to face Sadie with tears in my eyes, and I break. “I need Ricky,” I say tearfully.

Sadie glances at the test and immediately turns to find her phone. When she’s gone, I frantically search my drawers. When I finally locate the razor, I shut and lock the door before sitting in the bathtub.

I don’t use it, but I want to. I want to finally cut deep enough to stop everything from hurting so goddamn much. I want to go one fucking night without dreaming of Alex and Liam. I want one day where the clouds in the sky don’t make me want to kill myself.

By the time the door opens and Ricky sits on the edge of the clawfoot tub, I am dying. I haven’t shed one tear since the day Liam was buried, and I didn’t get to go to his funeral. Not because his family didn’t want me there, but because the district attorney claimed I shouldn’t be allowed to attend my victim’s funeral.

My victim’s funeral…

“Nora,” Ricky says gently. “Hun, I need you to look at me.”

“I’m pregnant,” I say tearfully.

“Oh, honey,” he says with a sigh. “Come here.”

He motions for me to stand, and I do. He takes the razor from me and tosses it onto the counter before lifting me out of the tub. When he hugs me, it’s like a mental dam breaks and emotion floods out of me.

With Sadie’s help, I am moved to my couch, and Ricky holds me while I cry.

It’s probably inappropriate for him to be so close to me. Not in a sexual way, but just against policy. I didn’t expect to trust him this much, and I’m sure he didn’t expect me to let him keep coming back.

“Promise me.”

Liam wanted me to promise him that I’d keep asking for help. That I’d save myself. I still haven’t fulfilled that. I guess part of me feels like this should be my punishment, but I know it’s not my fault. I didn’t ask for a psychopath to become obsessed with me. I overheard Ricky tell Sadie that he had notebooks full of writing about how he planned to break me down until I was in love with him. He was trying to manufacture love when it never existed. He was cruel and manipulative. He was a fucking monster. I didn’t do this.

Eventually, I sit back and wipe my face. “What can I do?” Ricky asks.

“I need to explain what happened,” I admit. “Can I tell the judge? I know it might not help, but…”

“I want to do this the right way so we can make sure you don’t spend your life in prison,” he says. “I can call Kimberly and set up a meeting with the prosecution and the judge in the morning.”

“I’ve accepted that I might go to jail for killing Gabriel…” I say, looking down at my hands. “I don’t know why I did it. I just… Snapped… He took everything from me… he took Alex… Liam…”

“He has an alibi for Alex’s murder, but I agree he has something to do with it,” he says. “What can I do right now? Nora, you just locked yourself in the bathroom with a razor. Your arms are full of scars. You have a long history of trauma…”

“I need help,” I admit quietly. “I told Liam that night that I needed help… I was going to explain everything Gabriel had been doing… Before he died, he made me promise I’d get the help I needed…”

“What does that look like for you right now?” he asks.

“I want an abortion,” I say tearfully. Ricky lifts my face to look at me, and tears roll down my cheeks. “I slept with Alex and Liam within twelve hours. They’re both gone now… I can’t…”