Page 46 of Best Laid Plans

“What happened, Lil?” Circus asks. He’s kept quiet the whole time, watching me with a blank face, making him impossible to read. He looks at Ambros, a man whose woman and little girl were put in danger because of James. Yet I can’t tell if he wants to kill me or hug me. It’s as disarming as it is terrifying because Ambros could probably kill me with one flick of his wrist.

“I’d been staying at the shelter at night, too scared to be here after dark. It wasn’t much better during the day. I was jumpy as hell, and I kept expecting someone to stand up and yell impostor, but nobody did. I was trying to figure out my next move—run or stay. I wasn’t sure I could be a club girl. In the end, I figured men had been taking what they wanted from me, using my body for years for their own personal needs. Maybe if I used my body to secure my own safety, I’d feel better about it. It was a twisted rationale. I know that now, but my headspace back then was so dark and…everything just felt hopeless.”

I close my eyes and take a deep breath before I open them again. “And then she came back. It had been about two weeks since that night. Everything was crazy here, so nobody paid much attention to me in the beginning. When she grabbed me outside the shelter, it was the first time anyone had spoken to me since my exchange with Bear.

“Jesus, we really dropped the ball,” G grumbles.

I shake my head. I get it. A lot had happened, and most of it was not good. “She was frantic, mumbling shit I didn’t understand. She yanked me into her car, which nobody had noticed was missing, and sped away from the shelter like we were being chased. And when she told me James had found us, I believed her. My fear was responding to hers. I couldn’t shut it off. I’d just decided to stay, and now I was running again.

“She drove through the night, barely speaking to me. All she would say was that she had a plan that would fix everything for both of us. Eventually, she tossed me a bottle of water and a protein bar and told me to rest—she’d explain everything. I drank the water, ate the food, and as we got farther away, sanity started to prevail. This was the woman who wrote me the fucking note, the woman who led me into danger. When I told her to take me back, she ignored me. At first, I thought she didn’t hear me because I slurred my words.”

“Fuck,” Powers curses, ready to explode out of the seat. “She fucking drugged you?”

I nod, remembering the snippets of memories, the flashes of fear and panic before I eventually became more lucid. “It was in that moment that I knew I had to stop thinking of her as an ally and think of her as an enemy. In the end, it was her planning that aided me. She drove us to a spa-come-hotel about a hundred miles from Yellow Creek State Forest. Booked herself in for a bunch of treatments over the course of a few days and then switched cars.” I say before anyone can ask, “I don’t know where the other car came from or if she had help of any kind.”

“She dosed me again before we left for the park, which meant I was out of it for most of the journey. When we got there, she had to wait for some of the drug to leave my system so I could walk—I was too heavy for her to carry. She parked in a heavily wooded area and made me walk for maybe fifteen minutes before we came to an open grave.”

“She’d been there already and dug a fucking grave?” Toot’s anger pulses along with Powers, who is so tense I’m worried he’s going to snap.

“Why kill you? I don’t get it.” Crane looks so confused.

“Fear, I guess. She’d been at the clubhouse for years. She forgot how different life is outside it. She was alone, and she hadn’t planned on leaving until I showed up. She had no money stashed away to take with her.”

“She wanted to come back,” Mack grunts.

“That was my guess. The grass isn’t always greener, and the protective bubble she’d been living in, away from prying eyes and cities full of cameras, popped. She knew James would find her—ironic, really. Because it would be me he was looking for. And now she’d left me with all the protection, and she had none. Only she couldn’t just come back with me here. After everything she did, I was never going to keep my mouth shut. She knew there would be a coup, and she did nothing because it worked in her favor. That was fucked-up. People died that night—women and children who would have been⁠—”

I shake my head, not going there again. “She needed me gone so she could come back, and she knew nobody would miss me. I didn’t really exist. I was just an echo of her.

“She ordered me to get into the grave. She picked up this huge branch and said she didn’t want to hurt me, but there was no other way. I agreed. There was no other way.”

I turn to look at Havoc. He’ll be the one who ultimately determines my fate.

“You don’t live on the streets and not know how to defend yourself. I punched her in the face, and when she dropped to her knees, I hit her again. Once she was unconscious, I stripped her and myself and swapped our clothes. I pushed her into the grave and used my bare hands to cover her over. I don’t know if she was dead or alive, but I buried her anyway. I hunted, set small traps to catch rabbits, grouse, and squirrels, and then I buried them above her. The smell of decomposing animals would hide the truth. Once that was done, I walked back to the car, thankful I was now wearing all black because I was filthy. I drove the car back to the spa and switched back to the other one. I called someone to come and collect the old one and crush it. I had some spa treatments to show I was there, mostly to confuse the timeline if Lil’s body was ever found. And then I drove to the nearest tattoo parlor and had a Raven tattooed on the inside of my wrist.”

“You came back and decided to stay,” Circus says.

“I was so tired of being lost. And I didn’t want to be alone anymore. She’d gone undetected here for six years. I thought I could too, as long as I left a false trail every year or so by popping up on camera, using a credit card in Florida or Washington, to keep him looking for me and not grooming someone else.”

“Every time you had to head out of town to see family…” Kruger shakes his head. “I searched for family when you left. When I couldn’t find them, I figured you’d used a different name, and that was why I couldn’t find them. Not that you don’t have any.”

“I have a family. If they’ll still have me, that is.”

Probe gets up and walks over. I brace myself, but he crouches down beside me as I turn toward him. “I’m sorry. None of this was your fault. But I needed someone to blame, because without blame, all I feel is grief,” he admits. “I found Capone as a scrawny seventeen-year-old who was dumpster diving, trying to find food for himself and his junkie mother. I saw something in him, convinced him to become a prospect, even offered to pay for his mom’s rehab, but the second he became a prospect, she OD’d. He never once blamed me, but fuck, I blamed myself. If I hadn’t brought him in, his mom might still be alive. Capone would be alive.”

“And Star would be dead.”

He drops his head, his shoulders shaking. He knows I’m right. I cup his face, tip his head back, and offer him my own teary smile. “He loved you. He loved you all. Out of everyone here, he knew he was exactly where he was supposed to be. I think he knew he was destined for something more than dumpster diving, something greater than any of us can comprehend. And he’d hate that his choice was hurting you so much.”

He takes a shuddery breath and nods before getting to his feet and kissing my forehead. “I’m sorry I’m an asshole.”

“I already knew you were an asshole. I still love you, though.”

He grins, his crooked teeth making him look manic. “Welcome home, darlin’.”

Havoc calls an end to church after that, which is just as well. I’m dead on my feet. I feel like all I’ve done lately is sleep, and it’s still not enough.

“I’ll likely have some follow-up questions or ideas we might want to bounce off you. Because, like it or not, you know him best. But it can wait until tomorrow. Think if I keep calling church, the guys will string me up anyway.”