Page 78 of AMS.TER.strum

The thought makes my smile like a rainbow as I grab my keys to go to an interview that Aaron has lined up. That digital kiss has somehow cloned into hundreds showering upon me, as I push aside the fact that January is practically next year. Because I’m determined to focus on that countdown that’s bringing me closer to her. To them.

‘Coming for drinks later?’ Gordon asks during a break from our rehearsal.

‘Nah, he probably has a date,’ Joey says, winking at me.

‘Sure, I’ll be there.’

Obviously, it was the last thing they expected, judging by how they look at me like a parliament of owls: heads turned at once, eyes wide open, hardly blinking.

‘Seriously?’ Gordon says.

‘Geez, guys, you make it sound as if I never come for drinks.’

Joey puckers his lips. ‘Not never-never, but between your dates…’

‘… and your phone dates,’ Gordon butts in, ‘we never know.’

‘So, none of those tonight?’ Joey asks.

I ignore their spot-on jokes. Between my sort-of ex-girlfriend and the video calls to Corrie, my time in the evenings had become pretty tight.

‘Actually, Celina and I broke up,’ I announce.

‘When?’ Gordon doesn’t look too surprised.

‘Yesterday.’

Yes, last evening’s date didn’t go quite as planned, at least for one of us. And yes, I was like one of those asshole boyfriends in films who announces a breakup right when the girlfriend suggests a trip, because that’s exactly what happened. Celina was devastated, but wouldn’t it be worse if I kept leading her on? In my defence, I did believe we could work, at least for a longer while than we did. But after the first weeks, I became more distracted, which translated into being distant, and that made me feel like shit, especially whenever I saw photos of the two of us online. How the hell did the paparazzi find us every single time? I mean, I’m a ‘rising star’, to quote some of the blogs, but not such a big deal.

‘Yet.’ Corrie keeps saying. ‘Not a big deal yet to the world, but a huge deal to those who love you.’

And that’s exactly where the problem is, or rather has been with all my dates so far—the comparison; and the fact that they come out lacking; because they aren’t Corrie. I won’t admit this even at gunpoint, because admitting an issue also asks what you are willing to do about it. But what’s there to be done at this point? Me proclaiming my undying love—I ignore the niggling voice chanting obsession—to Corrie, then add that I can’t do much about the literal distance between us right now? I also don’t know when the time will come for me to be able to do something about it.

‘So, these drinks are for you to drown your sorrows?’ Gordon says.

Joey barks out a laugh. ‘Does he look heartbroken to you?’

I say nothing, and they don’t follow up on the last comment. We discuss our next gigs, the most important coming up soon: the C2C country music festival in Ahoy in Rotterdam next March. A small appearance at the back of the big hall but amazing nonetheless. Which also sets the countdown for my visit to my hometown and the people I call home.

Corrie

‘This is the cutest! And so clever!’

Lola fawns at the bundle of paint swatches. We’re having a quick coffee before picking up the kids, who will be thrilled with the packages waiting for them at home. They feel such grown-ups, every time they see their names on the separate boxes. This time, there was also something for me in the mail that made my day.

‘Talking about post, still nothing from that family?’

I shake my head. ‘There are times I’d like to hop on a train and go bang on their door.’

‘Holler if you need a wingwoman.’

‘Or give up altogether already.’

She purses her lips. ‘Easier said than done when it comes to families. You know how often I’m tempted to cut mine off? You might not be related by blood to these people, but your kids are.’

Once more, it dawns on me how lucky I am for my immediate family and their support. Which can’t be said for Lola and her complicated relationship with hers. I’d like to have her parents and brother in front of me and tell them what I want to shout at Johan’s parents: ‘Why is it so hard for you to be decent human beings?’

‘So…’ Lola says, getting up, ‘shall we pick up the kids and go visit the Oma and Opa who live down South?’