Page 24 of Insta [FAM]

DION

Amelia is at my door bright and early on Saturday to return my small humans, and she looks like she went on a three-day bender. My guess is, it’ll be a while before she offers her baby-sitting services again. They all drop their bags, pillows and miscellaneous shit all over the house and rush off to do their own thing.

“How was your date?” Amelia asks, pouring herself a coffee, and getting comfortable at the kitchen counter. She’s invested in this thing now. I’m her afternoon soap opera, she doesn’t want to miss an episode.

“It was not a date.” It sort of was, but I’m not admitting that to her.

“Whatever, was it good?” Ah, yes. So good I sent him a voice note this morning noting his tongue talent. He listened but hasn’t responded which is a bit rude in my opinion.

“It was good enough.” I try to downplay the sexual shenanigans of the night before, because there might be small ears flapping nearby. “I’ll tell you more when I know the small humans are otherwise occupied.”

“They’ll pass out soon. Holly-Anna stayed up until three this morning watching some shit with subtitles. Zach was online with his mates, and Nelly spent the night trying to break everything in my house throwing a softball around.” Sounds about right for the three of them. “So the sex had better have been worth it, because I feel rough as hell this morning.”

She looks rough, but, “Boo-fucking-hoo, that’s how I feel every morning.”

“You chose to reproduce, not me. I did not choose this life.” I envy her life some days, then when my kids are asleep and look like sweet angels, I think about how blessed I am to have them.

“Where is that fury fucking hellion?” I haven’t seen Lola.

“I put her down.”

“You what?” Shit.

“Holly-Anna, find the mother-fluffing bunny before she tries to kill us all again!” I yell through the house. “You cannot put her fucking down, she is a murderer,” I scold my sister. Has she learned nothing?

“She’s a rabbit, Dion. Chill.” Chill! She tried to kill us. By now she’s probably eaten through half the wiring in my house.

“Found her!” Holly-Anna yells. “She was in your purse, I think she ate some things in there.” I’m going to kill her, stuff her and give her back to Mika. I go check what has been consumed by the fluffy vacuum cleaner this time.

“Seriously,” I groan as I see the shredded leather of my purse. She has made short work of my favorite lipstick, a tampon and the car remote. For a second, I wonder where the spare one is, but that is the spare one. Holly-Anna flushed the original one down the toilet. Get a bunny, he said. The only good thing about the bunny is the fact I’m getting laid. “Put her away, Holly-Anna, before I kill her for real this time.” I try not to overreact. Amelia just laughs and gets herself another cup of coffee. The girls and their kids are all coming over today, so Amelia will stay and day-drink with us, I’m sure. I put my chewed-up purse on the hall stand and join her in the kitchen.

“What are you doing for lunch?” Amelia asks, staring into my very empty refrigerator. “Because you need to go shopping.”

“You are my assistant, you go shopping!” I fucking hate shopping. If I can’t get it online, we don’t need it. “I will order groceries at some point today,” I roll my eyes and put two pop tarts in the toaster because I’m hungry and she isn’t wrong. There is nothing in my house.

“Is one of those for me?” Zach asks, coming into the kitchen.

“Not unless you want to die today,” I reply over the growling of my stomach. “You are big and ugly enough to make your own.”

“Mommmmm.”

“Don’t mom me. I know your Aunt Amelia fed you already. You’re a bottomless fucking pit.” I smack his hand away from my food and join my sister at the counter. He grumbles and leaves, too lazy to make himself something to eat. He’s bored, not hungry.

“So, spill the fucking tea, I didn’t babysit for nothing. I want details.” Amelia is not going to let it go, she practically chomping at the bit for the all the sordid details about my night with Mika.

“I’m not going to tell you then repeat a whole episode of Pornhub Premium when the girls get here, be patient.” I roll my eyes.

“Ugh,” She huffs. “Really?”

“Yes, really.” They want details too, so I doubt they’ll take their time coming over today. Canceling our plans last night has given them just enough information to ensure they’ll be pulling in here as soon as they open their eyes. “I need you to be here early to drop the kids at school on Monday.”

“Why?”

“Because you put Lola down and she ate the car key. That’s why.”

“Use the spare,” she says, like it’s obvious.

“Lola ate the spare and your sweet, angelic niece Holly-Anna flushed the original down the toilet. So, until I can get a new electronic-coded key fob-what-the-fuck-ever-thingy, you are their taxi.”