Page 91 of Chasing Smoke

“Sure. I’ll text you when I’m off work.”

“All right… well, safe drive home.” I release her hands and take a couple of steps back. “I want to kiss you, but probably not a good idea.”

“Probably not.” She smiles at me, which is more than I thought I’d see her do today.

I smile back and walk backward, raising a hand. “See you later.”

I wait and watch her get into her SUV before I turn around and make my way back into the station.

Fleming approaches me as I come through the door. “What’s the deal with you two?”

I feign innocence. “What do you mean?”

Fleming gives me a look that tells me we did a shit job of hiding what’s going on.

I’m not sure how to play this. I could deny that anything is going on between us, but eventually he’ll know it’s not true. But if I tell him the truth, I have to deal with the fallout. Am I prepared to do so? And does it put Collins in the line of fire as well?

For Collins, yes. Even though I despise the idea of any of my fellow firefighters thinking I’m being disloyal to a fallen firefighter and friend.

I tip up my chin. “I care about her.”

He studies me for a beat, not saying anything. Fleming was over at Caleb and Collins’s house many times with us all. He’s seen the three of us interact and should know that nothing untoward was going on between Collins and me. But the question is, will he believe it?

“For how long?”

“It’s a recent thing.”

He nods, still eyeing me. “That’s… inconvenient.”

I cross my arms. “Yup.”

Fleming blows out a breath and sets his hands on his hips. “Well, I’m sure you’ve considered all the consequences.”

“I have.” I nod.

He grips my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I’ll have your back with the guys if it comes down to it.”

“I appreciate that. Obviously…”

Fleming removes the hand on my shoulder and raises it. “None of my business. I won’t say a word. But it’s not gonna stay a secret forever if it only took me an afternoon to figure it out.”

I nod my appreciation and pass by him, knowing this is only the first of many conversations like this. I can only hope they all go as well, but surely they won’t.

FORTY

Collins

Iarrive home after the memorial at the firehouse, change into comfy clothes, and throw my hair into a messy bun on top of my head. After, I head down to the kitchen and grab the bag from Crow & Clover and bring it over to the kitchen table.

I pull out the pretty stationery with colorful flowers at the top and the matching pen I bought just for this letter.

I’ve been thinking about what I might want to say to Caleb for weeks. But as I pick up the pen and press it to the paper, the words pour out of me. As if I’m a vessel that’s been holding them in all this time and only now has someone tipped me over.

Caleb,

I feel a little foolish writing to a man who can’t read this. But this letter isn’t really for you. Still, I want to believe that somehow, wherever you are, you’ll feel the essence of what I put down here, even if the words never reach you.

Losing you was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through.