Page 55 of Chasing Smoke

I nod, appreciating him talking to me.

“Just be careful. And really know what you’re doing.”

His warning rings through my head. I don’t want to hurt Collins. God, I’d rather die than do that after all she’s been through. But it’s not like I can exactly say that I know we’ll go the distance at this point.

The old fear of disappointing someone I care about rears up, and my dad’s face flashes in my head.

“I don’t want to hurt her.”

He gives me a solemn nod. “I know you don’t. You’re a good guy, Ansel, but sometimes good guys make bad decisions. Just make damn sure this isn’t one of those times.”

“I know.” Maybe Collins isn’t the only one who has some things to work through before we move forward. “Obviously, this stays between us.”

He pretends to rip a piece of duct tape and place it over his mouth. The same thing all three of us did when we were sworn by the other to keep a secret. “To the grave.”

I can tell he’s still not completely on board with this idea, but he’s giving me room to figure it out and doesn’t hate me for it.

“Thanks, man.”

I feel better for talking to him about this, but sometimes when Fowler and I share these moments, it just feels like a reminder of the missing person who would have been at this table with us, ripping off his own piece of duct tape and placing it over his mouth. Our trio is now a duo, and even after almost two years, I haven’t processed it completely.

TWENTY-FIVE

Collins

Iwas surprised and happy when Emelia called me to invite me to a girls’ night out. Apparently, Sutton is back in town and suggested it, and Emelia thought to include me.

I’m not sure how well Emelia knows Sutton since she and Elliott haven’t been together all that long and Sutton lives in Nashville, but I’ve met Sutton only a handful of times, and that was early in my marriage with Caleb. I haven’t seen her since his funeral.

When Emelia was on the phone pondering what to do, I suggested they come over to my place. I’m the only one who isn’t living with someone or has a child at home. And hosting would allow me to check one thing off my list.

After I got off the phone with Emelia, I immediately called Nina and told her that she had to find a babysitter and join us. She’s under strict instructions not to say or allude to anything about Ansel given that the other two people in attendance are his sister and future sister-in-law. I can’t be sure, but I assume he hasn’t told them.

Tonight, Nina is already here, and Emelia and Sutton are due to be dropped off by Elliott soon.

“Stop fussing, everything looks amazing,” Nina says, sitting at the kitchen table with her legs crossed and a wineglass in her hand.

I turn away from rearranging the food I prepared and have displayed across the kitchen counter. “I’m nervous.”

Caleb and I used to host a lot. It was second nature, and I loved doing it. But we were usually hosting large groups of people, mostly couples or all the guys from the fire station. I’ve never hosted a girls’ night. I haven’t actually had a bunch of women I considered my friends to host something like that with. So it feels as if my future social life rides on tonight.

“I know you are. Here.” Nina walks over, takes one of the empty wineglasses I have ready on the counter, and pours me a glass of red wine, shoving it in my hand. “Have a few sips and take the edge off before they get here.”

The doorbell rings as I’m taking my first sip.

I really need to disable that doorbell.

I push away the memory of that night and swing open the door. “Hey, come on in.”

Sutton looks much the same except she’s a little older and her brown hair is now dyed a shade of strawberry-blond.

She gives me a hug when she enters the house. “It’s so good to see you. How are you?”

Her affection throws me for a moment. I used to be so practiced at the hugs when someone offered me their condolences and the words to say back to theirs, but it’s been a while since it’s happened.

In the end, I just say, “Thank you.”

Emelia gives me a quick hug hello and walks into the house to say hello to Nina. I introduce Nina and Sutton, since Nina moved here after Sutton left for Nashville.