Page 77 of Hawk

I drop my hand and look at her. “Yes, they do. I’ll talk to my mom. I’ll figure that part out.”

“I’m sure she’ll appreciate it.”

I drop to my knee in front of her. My thumbs rub the tops of her thighs. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, Tessa. I’ve been wracking my brain about all this. There was a time when I thought keeping you at arm’s length was the right thing to do. It was the only way I knew to make sure you had the life you deserved. I didn’t have the normal childhood, you saw that. You saw how hard it was at times being my father’s son. Knowing what he wanted from me. But even in the darkest of days, your friendship gave me hope. I should have been selfish back then and claimed you as mine. I shouldn’t have held in my feelings for you. I should have let everyone know that Tessa Reese was the one that was made for me because you were, you are. Even as a boy, I felt it. I don’t want to not have you in my life, Tessa. I want you and Sam to move back with me.”

Her eyes are filled with unshed tears as she looks at me. Her shoulders drop as she closes her eyes. “You know I can’t do that.”

“You can’t, or you won’t?” I bite out.

“It’s not that simple.”

“Tessa, I love you.” I squeeze her thighs. “Fuck, I’ve loved you for so long. Even when you left, I still fucking loved you. I never admitted it to myself or to anyone, but I’m saying it now. I fucking love you, and all I want is for you to love me too.”

She sniffs back a sob. “I do, Hawk. I do love you.”

I know there’s a ‘but’ coming. “It’s not enough, though is it?” When she doesn’t answer, I push myself up. “I’m tired of living my life feeling like I’m never enough. For the longest time, I thought my mother walked away without another glance back. I had two sisters that knew about me but felt I wasn’t worth trying to find. And that fucking bastard, the way he looked at me–”

“They aren’t worth it, Hawk.”

“You think the club is the one thing that I will always choose. Well, you’re right. It is because it’s the one thing that has always chosen me!”

She needs me here, and I need her in New Mexico. The situation is fucked up, and no one is going to come out the winner.

I can’t be here anymore because I don’t want to see the rejection in her eyes, so I do the one thing I promised myself I wouldn’t do when she came back into my life. I turn on my heel and leave before she can give me more justifications for not choosing me over her fears. For not believing in me to keep her and her son safe.

She can keep her excuses.

I’ve had enough of those to last me a fucking lifetime.

Hawk

I can hear the bass pumping through the brick walls of the building that houses the bar. I knew Tessa didn’t typically work Friday nights, so I was shocked when I knocked on her door, and Sarah answered. As soon as Sam heard my voice, he came barreling at me, wrapping his arms around my legs. He was happy that I was back, but the thing was, I haven’t gone anywhere since I last saw Tessa. I could have easily gone back to New Mexico, but I needed the time with my mom, to make sure that she was still doing what she needed to do to get her life back on track. But Tessa told Sam I wasn’t around because I was gone. She was making excuses for me. This wasn’t just about her and me. Sam was in the middle, and I didn’t want to let my little guy down.

Walking towards the building, I replay the conversations I’ve had with Rose over the past couple of days. I told her my plans and the reason why I wasn’t planning on staying in town. I told her that if she wanted, I could move her to New Mexico. She declined. She said that Rhea and Loa still needed her and she was going to be there for them. I don’t necessarily agree with that. I don’t think Loa will ever feel that she needs her mother. At the age of twenty-one, she’s already looking down at Rose. And Rhea, well, that’s still up in the air. I’m not sure if this new leaf she’s turned over is genuine or if she’s trying to play at something. I haven’t figured her out yet, but from how she was when I first came to Los Angeles months ago to how she is now. I can only hope her days of drinking are behind her.

When I reach the entrance, I see Croy is manning the door. His eyes land on me, and there’s a visible tick in his jaw. “You’re not welcome.” He puts his hand on my chest, halting my entrance.

I push his hand away. “Are you really going to do this again?”

“No, because you’re going to turn your ass around and go back to where ever the fuck it is that you came from.”

I take in his attire. An ugly black leather vest, a fucking imitation cut is what it is. “Aren’t you a little old to be playing a poser, man?” I flick the leather of his vest. “What, you weren’t man enough to patch in somewhere?”

“You don’t fucking know me, you piece of shit. And that’s all right with me since I won’t be laying eyes on you again after tonight. You broke Tessa’s heart, you piece of shit, and I’m not going to be stand by and let it happen again. You proved you can’t be relied on, and Tessa and Sam need stability. That’s doesn’t seem to be your MO.”

“You don’t know shit about me man.”

He laughs then runs his hand over his head. “I know T, and I know what I’ve seen this past couple of days. You broke her, you fuck. I’ve seen her cry more in the past couple of days than I have the entire seven years I’ve known her. That heartbreak won’t be happening again. Not on my watch. But don’t you worry, fucker, Uncle Croy will teach Sam everything he’s going to need to know to be the best fucking man he can be.”

My fist flies and connects with his fucking jaw. His head snaps to the side as pain radiates from my knuckles up my arm. He closes his eyes and spits crimson blood at the cement near my feet.

“You know,” he rubs his jaw, “you’re a real piece of shit. You say you love Tessa, but you can’t leave all that worn out club pussy and move here for her? What? You can’t make your own decisions, is that it? If your brothers or Prez aren’t here to tell you what to do, then you can’t function? Is that the reason why you won’t leave there to make a life with her here? You think you can’t do it?” He spits another mouthful of blood. “And expecting her to move back to a place that holds nothing but nightmares for her. Yeah, you don’t know shit about that woman working her ass off to support herself and her son.”

My eyes narrow at his words. Tessa told me she’d only ever told Martha.

“What? You didn’t think I knew? I was fucking her cousin when she showed up all those years ago. For seven years I’ve watched the girl struggle with her past. I’m not a fucking idiot. I can put two and two together. I was there when she brought Sam into this world, and no limp dick motherfucker is going to change that. I’ll always be there for her. You can guaran-damn-tee-it. You need to walk the fuck away, Hawk. You represent nothing but her pain and the day when a piece of shit stole away her innocence.”

I clench my jaw as I tighten my fists at my side. If this motherfucker thinks he’s the better option for Tessa and Sam, he’s kidding himself. I take a step towards him, but then I stop. He’s not worth my time. And he’s wrong about one thing. I’m the one who took her innocence long before any of those fuckers touched one hair on her head.