Page 36 of Sin

"Well, you sure as shit didn't make it sound like I wasn't."

"I don't need to explain anything to her, or any of The Fallen for that matter."

"I'm not saying you do." I sit down on the bed next to her, smacking my hand against her hip so she’ll scoot over. "I don't need that shit flying through the club. Or around town for that matter."

"Why? You afraid you won't get any action from the club whores?"

I laugh. "I know you're not from this life, but you have to know, those girls out there don't give a shit if someone's married, let alone expecting a child. As long as they get to continue to do what they're here for. They don't give a shit about anything else."

"It seems like it mattered to Kara."

"Yeah, well, sometimes the girls need to get a little reminder as to who they are. Kara just got that, thanks to you."

"She likes you."

"It's doesn't matter. She wouldn't be the first. Whatever she may or may not feel for me doesn't give you any reason to imply that I'm the father."

"It's sad. Her desperation, it's so obvious." I’m not sure if I like the look of jealously on Savannah.

"It's not sad. It is what it is. Again, you’re not from here. You don't know the life and for some people it isn't for them. This life works for Kara, just like it works for the other girls that spend their time around the club."

"Does it really work for you?" I turn to stare at her. The youth is evident on her make-up free face. Her blue eyes sparkle, something that I've noticed is more prominent lately. When she first arrived, her eyes appeared dead. Soul, broken and bruised. The recent change to her hair color brings out the soft dusting of freckles across her delicate nose. Her sweetness is so evident, she screams honesty. She embodies purity I will never be able to experience. She may have lived a hellish life for the past four years, but she hasn't let it tarnish who she is. She’s someone I can never have. I am Sin, biker, killer, and coward. I am not worthy of the love I'm sure she possesses.

"I was born into this life, Savannah. This is my family. This is who I am. Who I have to be. Who I’ll always be.”

"Just because you were born into the life, doesn't mean you have to continue to live it. That's the plus of it being your life, and not anyone else's. It's yours to live. Do you think your brother and mother would love you any less if you chose to be someone other than Sin? If you chose to be Matthew Sinclair, designer, fabricator, brother and son. Someone other than just a biker. Someone you want to be. This isn’t who you have to be. What happened? What happened to you that you think you have to live a life that's expected by others and not a life you want to live? Besides, you saying that means that I should be a drugged out whore because that was the life that I was born into. That I should go back to Tyson and live in abuse, because that’s the life that I chose for years. Is that what you're saying?"

"No, of course not."

"Then if I deserve to live a better life, why don't you? I see you, Matthew. I see you around here; you only exist. You aren't living. Why?"

"It's just how it is."

"It's how you choose for it to be."

"Sometimes there isn't a choice, Savannah. You don't understand, and that's fine. You don't have to understand. I don't need you to understand. But the point is, I'm here, out of loyalty, out of the love for my mother and brother, I’m here. I want you to have choices. I want you to have all the choices you can muster, but that doesn’t happen for all of us, and I'm okay with that. I'm okay with my lack of choices."

"Are you? Because I don't believe it. I believe you want choices. You want to be happy and live the life you've wanted for as long as you can remember, you need to do one thing first. You need to stop living in your head. You need to stop thinking that for whatever reason this is your life, the club, the whores, the unhappy life. You need to stop thinking you don't deserve to be happy and start believing in it. Do you think Sienna would like to see you like this? Don't you think it would break your sister's heart if she saw the shell of the man I'm sure she adored?"

I reach over and grab the remote. "Take a nap, Savannah." I turn off the television, tossing the remote back on the bed.

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me. Get some rest. You're tired, remember?" I leave the room, closing the door harder than I anticipated.

For the first time since I brought Savannah here, I regret it. She has no right bringing my sister into this. She doesn't know the things I've done; the reasons I live my life the way I do. My family is the only thing I have; their loyalty is the only thing I trust. My brother's loyalty to me is the reason why she's here and now she's trying to tell me that I should turn my back on him, on my family and be happy doing what I want. Impossible. I turned my back too many times in my life and it's cost me more than I can ever repay in ten life times. I joined the military to live the life I wanted, and look where that got me. I experienced a hell no one should have to and I ran the other way when my men needed me, when my brothers in arms depended on me. Where was my loyalty to them? The panic I felt when the first bomb went off overpowered my loyalty to them. The only thing I thought was to save myself. I'm not turning my back on my blood as I did to them.

"Mijo." I look up to see my mother standing there with her hands up. I'm so lost in thought I didn't see her walking up to the clubhouse I was just leaving.

"Ma. Sorry I didn't see you there." I lean in and give her a kiss on the cheek.

"What's wrong, Matthew?"

"It's nothing."

"It's something. I know you wouldn't try to plow me down for no reason."

"Just something that Savannah said." I look my mother in the eye. "I think I made a mistake bringing her here. This isn't the place for her and now I'm not sure where she should go. Where she’ll be safe."