Page 54 of Thin Ice

I turn to leave but pause at the door and glance back at Noah. A small, sharp smile pulls at my lips.

“Glad to see you can still follow directions, Ashcroft.”

I don’t wait for his reaction—or Quinn’s—and slip out of the room.

It’s childish, needing the last word like that. But when it comes to Noah, I can never quite help myself. Especially after the show he just put on.

He needs to understand something: I’m not the same desperate kid he left behind after graduation, and I’m not his secret fuck buddy anymore.

I’m Beck Anders, and I’m not anyone’s doormat.

Chapter twenty

Quinn

I stare up at the ceiling from the bed of our bungalow. It’s after eight o’clock in the evening, and the sun is setting, casting orange and yellow hues across the white walls and above me.

I lay my arms out to the side and huff, unsure of what to do with myself. Noah had done such a great job today, and I knew he was itching to get a workout in. Not because he wanted to run away, but because it’s part of his routine. He is an athlete, and I understand that working out is not just something he needs but something required of him.

When I told him to go after dinner, he lit up like a kid on Christmas. He kissed me hard, pushing me up against the wall of our bungalow and squeezing my ass before he pulled back and ran to the closet to change.

He’s been gone for only thirty minutes, and I’ve debated whether I should go to the gym and pin him to the exercise mat to have my way with him, get myself off, or take a dip in the plunge pool to cool off not only my body but my mind as well.

I keep going back to what happened today and every moment that led up to the first real toe-curling orgasm I’ve had in over nine months. An orgasm I had by Noah’s hand while Beck…

I flop onto my belly, my face flat against the sheets that smell like Noah. I inhale, the scent of him tingling my nose but also reminding me of Beck.

I groan and roll over onto my back. Anger, guilt, and annoyance for the situation I put myself in claws at my insides, but I can’t deny I’m relieved. I came here to reconnect with Noah, and despite the unplanned meeting of Beck, we are reconnecting.

He’s being honest and vulnerable, and he’s trying. Even during the group sessions when he finds Hazel’s methods silly, he tries. After our mentor session, we’d both been out of sorts, but we cleaned up and went to the last group session of the day. Thankfully, it was an easy exercise where we each shared a positive memory from our relationship.

Noah spoke about a time I’d forgotten, a snow day where we watched a marathon of The Lord of the Rings and ate so much candy that he almost puked during practice the next day. It was a memory I’d even forgotten and a moment he never did.

I shared the last time we connected deeply before I felt like things started to go off the rails. We were twenty-one, newlyweds, and I moved to Seattle to be with him. He’d been there for a year already, and I planned to finish out my last year of college online. Noah was doing great with the Stormbreakers, and we found a nice condo to live in together near the rink. We ate pizza without plates, surrounded by our boxes of stuff and no furniture. He’d made love to me on the carpet slow and deep, whispering promises of our future and how much he loved me in my ear. I felt so seen, cherished, and wanted.

Noah stared at me for a long time after I recited the memory then squeezed my hand, promising we’d get back to more nights like that and more days with spontaneous sex and movie nights where he cheated on his diet.

After sharing, Hazel had us do a short hand-holding meditation. Noah had wanted to laugh during that part, but I did, too—especially when Phil’s extreme exhales sounded akin to a goose dying. Yet we held ourselves together and did the exercise.

It’s only the end of day two, and I thought we’d be in a much worse spot than we are now, so I’m happy…but now, there’s the matter of Beck.

I squeeze my thighs together automatically, clit throbbing like it has been since this afternoon. I came once, but that was enough to unleash the beast in me, the sexual side of myself I’ve buried due to the lack of intimacy between Noah and I.

I blow out a breath, lips flapping loudly. I don’t know what to do with myself. And I very much do not know what to do with the thoughts I’m having or the fact that Beck is in those thoughts. I should talk to Noah about them and see what it was like for him to make me come while Beck watched and helped him get me off.

Then there’s what he said to Noah before leaving: “Glad to see you can still follow directions, Ashcroft.”

The more I learn about their relationship, the more I’m beginning to think my husband was submissive to Beck. The safe word, the way Beck easily mentors us, how Noah automatically follows his lead…I think it’s a logical conclusion.

Noah has never been submissive with me in bed—at least, not in the way it sounds like they were. There were times he asked me to take the lead, ride him, that sort of thing, but because of how he operates in life—wanting things to be perfect, letting his hockey team rely on him, his hope to soon be Captain of the Stormbreakers like Lucas was—I never thought he would crave submission.

I sit up on the bed and stare out the windows at the sunset. Orange and yellow splash across the sky, and the hazy sun looks as if it’s engulfed in a ring of fire.

The desert is beautiful, and I’m enjoying the heat. Noah hasn’t complained much about it today, and my hope is that maybe he’s enjoying it a little, too, even if he’ll never admit it. Beck certainly enjoys the heat. He also enjoys creating it.

I huff and get off the bed, grabbing my phone and texting the only person who will understand what’s going on with me. Or at least will be able to talk about it without judgment.

ME: