Page 93 of Steele

Dr. Luker took a step back. “No.” She glanced at her MA then back to me. “You’re not here for a prenatal?”

“No.” My smile collapsed. “What? Why would I—” I couldn’t’ve heard her correctly. “I’m here to get on the pill.”

Dr. Luker sat in her chair again. “The UA was a strong positive, but we can have Mandy take a blood sample to confirm the pregnancy. When was your last cycle?”

“I don’t know. Six months ago, maybe. I haven’t been regular since Matti died. I can’t be pregnant. I can’t get pregnant,” I emphatically stated. “Are you sure it was my pee?”

She smiled. “Absolutely positive. Just like your test. Jaymi, you’re pregnant. On your next appointment, we can do a transvaginal ultrasound to get a better estimate on your due date.”

“My next appointment. You’re serious? I’m really pregnant. I couldn’t get pregnant. We tried.” I shook my head. “I mean, Jeff and I.” Tears filled my eyes. “I told Brett I couldn’t get pregnant.”

Dr. Luker’s voice quieted. “You have options, Jaymi. It’s early. We can talk about alternatives.”

My hand went to my belly. If I was pregnant— If? Oh my god. I was pregnant. My thoughts immediately went to Brett. I didn’t need an estimate on a due date. A month ago, the condom had broken, and he’d purchased the day-after pill that I never took.

In that moment, any fear I had over being pregnant became a fear on how I’d tell Brett I was having a baby.

“Mandy, can you leave us alone for a minute?” Once Mandy left the room, Dr. Luker’s voice softened with understanding. “Talk to me. Is it the father? Does he want children?”

“He has a daughter.” But that didn’t mean either one of us was ready for this. “It’s just unexpected.” But not unwanted, at least by me. I’d always wanted more children. I just didn’t think I’d make the same mistake twice.

“I know how afraid you were to be a young mother.”

“I’m not afraid, not of having a baby. And I’m not afraid to do it on my own.” I realized now I’d been alone with Matti. Jeff’s loyalty had been divided. But I’d always known where I belonged.

“What about the father? Will he be supportive?”

“It’s a new relationship. I’m not sure he’s ready for another child.” But I had no doubt he would want to be involved, and then I’d have trapped another man in a relationship. At some point, he’d become resentful. Or I would.

I’d rather go through the pregnancy and raise my child alone than go through the hell of a relationship that never should’ve been. Brett had Lili. This baby would complicate his life.

“Are you ready for another child?”

I forced a smile I didn’t feel. “I have to be. I’m about a month along. There was only one time where I wasn’t protected.”

“Okay. We’ll go from there.” Dr. Luker tugged on gloves. “Let’s do the exam and set you up for your first prenatal appointment.”

I left the office with a prescription for prenatal vitamins and an appointment for next month. I didn’t feel pregnant. I hadn’t been sick, and my breasts weren’t tender. I’d been tired lately, but I spent half the night with Brett inside me.

I intended to drive home but found myself turning under the archway at Eternal Hills and going to the grave. My chest tightened as I ran my palm over their headstone. I needed to be close to her, and I needed to talk to Jeff.

Sunshine warmed the green grass. I remembered the day I’d found out I was pregnant with Matti.

I’d been scared, but not of Jeff. “Would you have done anything different?” I asked him. “I would. I’d never give up Matti, but I wish we would’ve been honest with each other. Maybe you’d both still be here. I’d have Matti, and you could have a life with Astrid.” I feathered my hands over the soft blades of grass. “I’d have been happy with just the two of us, me and Matti. I know if you hadn’t died, you still would’ve been a good dad to her even if you couldn’t be a good husband to me.”

Tears welled in my eyes. “I hate that Astrid has your baby, especially because Matti is with you.” I swallowed around the lump in my throat. “But I don’t hate Astrid anymore. I hate what you did. I hate that you lied. But I understand falling in love with someone else. I’m not going to blame you for my unhappiness anymore.”

A caterpillar crawled along the edge of the headstone. I thought of Lili. “She’s going to be a big sister, just like you,” I said to Matti. “Please, don’t be angry. Don’t think I’ll stop grieving because this baby won’t change how much I love you. I promise he or she will know how special you are. I promise I can love you both.”

I loved Lili. I loved Brett. I loved him enough not to do to him what I did to Jeff. Somehow, I’d have to tell him. But not yet. Lili just got her dad back. I couldn’t tell my mom and dad. They would expect Brett to take care of me and the baby. And my brother would want to kick his ass.

The only one who would understand, who wouldn’t judge me, was Holly.

I sent her a text.

Jaymi: Can I make you dinner?

Holly: God yes. I’ll bring the wine.