Page 7 of Steele

“Is this your dad?” Principal Caine, Nicole, asked Lili. Her gaze locked on Mr. Steele. Her mouth pinched taking in the tattoos crawling across his neck. The ink should have curbed his appeal, but he had a face and frame that made women stare.

“Yes.” Lili bounced on the toes of her feet. “He’s having donuts with me.”

Most women probably imagined the muscle and mayhem beneath the stretch of his shirt and salivated at the taut curve of his buttocks and the soft bulge behind the fly of his jeans. I swallowed hard. But not me.

Never me. Bad decisions and red flags had cost me too much already.

“Excuse me,” I said to Mr. Steele, but he was already on route to the lunchroom. I sought the safety of my classroom. I should be talking to my students and socializing with their parents, but some days, I just couldn’t pretend.

I sat behind my desk and practiced my box breathing. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. Count to four. Inhale. Count to four. Exhale. With the pattern on repeat, I could keep the fears from creeping up my throat until I felt as if I was suffocating.

Ten minutes later, I propped my door open and greeted my students and their parents. I smiled, repeated how much I enjoyed their child in my class, and watched the minute hand on the clock.

“Mrs. Bardot?”

I didn’t need to turn around to feel Mr. Steele’s presence behind me. But when I did, I started the same box breaths. One. Two. Three. Four. His gaze lingered on mine, and a soft smile quirked his lips.

“Lili wanted to bring you a donut.” His voice was just a bit rugged, strong, and intimidating, like the man. The breadth of his shoulders stretched the fabric of his shirt. Standing this close, I once again breathed in the scent of his cologne.

“Thank you,” I said to Lili, taking the napkin-wrapped sprinkles donut from her hand.

“My dad thought you’d like the sprinkles.” She latched onto her dad’s hand. “Come on. I want to show you Taco. He’s like Rogue. He looks mean, but he’s nice.” She glanced up at her dad with wide eyes and a big smile. “Hellers should have a tarantula instead of a devil on their backs.”

“I’ll bring it up to Blade,” he said as he trailed after her.

I’d heard of the Heller Raiders MC, mostly from Lili, and I’d seen them ride their bikes through town. According to Lili, Natalie hated motorcycles and the men who rode them. I had no intention of getting involved, but I could understand why Natalie would have issues with her ex-husband.

A mother would burn down the world to protect her child. I knew because I had failed mine.

***

The sprinkle donut sat on the corner of my desk for the remainder of the day. Once the final bell rang, I cleaned up my classroom, prepped for tomorrow, and procrastinated on going home because I didn’t want to live with the ghosts in those hollow rooms.

When the janitor knocked on my door, I couldn’t avoid leaving any longer.

Once I climbed into my car, I set the donut on the dash, and I stared out the window. With an incoming storm, dark clouds collided with orange and purple hues streaking the sky. Matti loved purple. If I closed my eyes and listened to the wind, I could almost hear her.

I want a donut, momma. The one with the pink and purple sprinkles.

On my drive home, I veered left instead of right, driving up the hillside to the cemetery. Sunlight illuminated the sign, Eternal Hills. Beautiful wooden fencing surrounded the burial grounds. I passed under the archway and made my way to the northwest corner. Narrow roads named after flowers weaved between the sections of graves. Headstones stood in silhouette against the setting sun.

Matti and Jeff were buried on Daisy Lane. I parked along the grassy edge of the road.

A chill wind skated over my flesh as I walked past the familiar headstones. Another child was buried a couple spots away from Matti and Jeff. I’d met the little boy’s mother a few times. There wasn’t much to say to another grieving mother. We were part of a club no one should belong to.

I constantly replayed the what ifs. What if we’d never taken that weekend to the lake? What if I’d gone to pick her up from Jeff’s mom? What if I hadn’t been so focused on Matti and teaching? Maybe I’d have seen the red flags with Jeff. Maybe I’d have left. There were too many maybes. Too many what ifs.

None of it mattered. This was where my baby slept. Somehow, sitting at her grave kept me feeling like her mom. I mean, I would always be her mom, but this was my only way of mothering my child.

I set the donut on her headstone and then sat on the soft grass. I used my fingers to wipe the dust from the granite. “I brought you a treat,” I told her. “Actually, one of my students gave me the donut. She’s sweet like you,” I said with tears filling my eyes. “She’s smart, and she has a dad that’s a shit. Just like you.”

I narrowed my gaze at Jeff’s name next to Matilda’s. “I hope you’re taking care of her.” It’s the only way I survived each and every freaking day. My heart was in heaven, but I had to live this eternal nightmare.

I rested my head against the cold stone. “I want to be with you.” I hated coming here. I loved coming here. Sometimes, most of the time, I couldn’t believe this was where I’d seen my baby for the last time.

The day they put her in the ground.

I hated that he had her and I didn’t. I hated that he left me in this mess. I’d married a liar, and I hated that he wasn’t here for me to tell him how much I hated him.