Page 86 of Crossing Arizona

“Then why didn’t you tell me what she did?” He asks fiercely, gold-flecked eyes blazing with anger. “Why did you shut me out? You said you fucked her!”

“I didn’t say that—" I start, but he cuts me off with an angry growl.

“Yes, you fucking did! That night after we…you said you were sorry. That you were getting back together.”

Licking my chapped lips, I sag against the counter, shutting my eyes against the waves of pain at the memory of how he’d shrunk in front of me, something vital cracking in his eyes. His expression will haunt me until the day I die. “I didn’t say anything. I just…let you assume the worst.”

Xed inhales sharply, pausing briefly to search my face. “Why would you do that?”

It takes a moment for my throat to form sound. “Because letting you hate me was easier than letting you know the truth.”

“Which is?”

“I’m weak.” The confession slips out, and I flinch, feeling like I just ripped off a scab. “I couldn’t protect you from your aunt, couldn’t protect myself from Val, and now I’ve failed at protecting Hannah, too. I’m a failure as a man! Hannah’s…probably better off without me. Valerie will win custody anyway. I’m no good.”

My voice echoes around us, dust motes dancing from the setting sun shining through the window. Xed’s face falls as he rubs his fists into his eyes, lips curling back into a snarl. His breathing picks up like he’s trying to calm himself down, and before I know it, he’s closing the distance between us.

“That’s fucking bullshit, Matthew!" To my shock, he grabs my face, squeezing my cheeks in between his palms as he pulls me down to eye level, expression murderous. “Who let me sleep in his bed for twelve fucking years because I couldn’t stand the sight of myself, huh? Who cleaned up my burns and wiped my tears away?”

“I did,” I respond, my lips squished like a fish.

“Who made sure I was always included with our friends, even against my will?”

“Me.”

“That’s right,” he nods, dropping his eyes to my mouth. “You. The same man who refused to leave the hospital for weeks because his daughter needed him. Who stayed up every night reading her bedtime stories before she could even understand words. You were made to be a father, baby, and you’re the best one I know. So don’t you fucking give up. Any judge can see what I see.”

A choked sob leaves my throat at his words as tears slip from my lashes. Months of building desperation and loneliness finally reach their peak, and I surge forward, pressing my lips to his. I’ve missed him so much, missed the closeness and the touches, the midnight cuddles. I fucking missed him. No matter what happens, I can face anything with my best friend by my side.

But I must have misread the situation because Xed steps back quickly, wiping his mouth on the back of his hand, and suddenly it feels like someone ripped a vital organ from my chest. An unpleasant shiver wracks my body at how he backs away from me, taking his warmth with him.

“You–” His voice cracks, and he clears his throat, tearing his gaze away. “You can’t do that, Matty.”

My brows slam down. “Do what?”

“Kiss me,” he glares, and I gape at him.

“W-why not? We’ve always kissed.” Always. “Please, Ducky, I…I need you. I can’t fight Val alone.”

He studies my face for a moment. “How do you need me?”

Tilting my head, I open my mouth and shut it, genuinely confused by the question. “What do you mean?”

“How do you need me, Matthew? As the best friend who always stood by your side through everything, or as something more?”

Running a hand through my hair, I anxiously scan the room, unsure what to say. I know what he’s asking, what he wants. But so much has happened today— hell, over this past week—and my thoughts are muddled. I know I want everything with him, but I also know how unpredictable Valerie is and Hannah has to be my priority. “I don’t...I don’t know. I can’t think about that right now, Xed. I need to think about my daughter. About Hannah.”

A lengthy silence is the only response I get before a heavy sigh reaches my ears. “Yeah...me too.”

Whipping my head toward him, I’m about to ask what he means by that, but he’s making his way toward the front door.

Shouting after him, I follow close behind. “Where are you going?!”

“I’ll be right back. Just wait here.”

He leaves the house, and I tug at my hair, fear causing me to watch him from the porch in case he doesn’t come back. When I see him struggling to lift a box out of the trunk of the Subaru, I rush down the steps, taking it from his arms. “Let me help you.”

“Told you to wait,” he scoffs, giving me an annoyed look, and I shrug.