Page 85 of Crossing Arizona

The despair inside me briefly flickers to anger, remembering them together yesterday. But I stuff it down because I don’t deserve to feel angry. I’m the one who pushed Xed away in the first place. I deserve everything that’s happening right now.

“Why didn’t you tell us?” Taylor growls, backing up into Huckslee’s arms. Everyone is still in their wedding clothes, only now this feels like a funeral. Probably mine. “Seriously, Matty, what she did is not okay.”

Christian agrees wholeheartedly. “I told you she was crazy, hermano.”

“It’s my fault,” I mumble, wiping my nose as I slump into a rickety chair. “I… hurt people.”

“Matthew,” Salem snaps, glaring at me with red-rimmed eyes. “She raped you and then blackmailed you! How is that your fault?!”

“No, it’s…” Cringing, I shy away from her words, stuffing down all the thoughts and feelings from the night Hannah was conceived. Deep down, I know she’s right, but it doesn’t feel like those words should represent someone like me. I’m…big—a man. We’re supposed to be strong, which I’ve done for the last five years, trying to be strong for Hannah.

In the end, it didn’t matter.

My mom places her hands on my shoulders, massaging them gently before planting a kiss on top of my head. “So what now? What’s the plan?”

Inhaling shakily, I catch Xed’s stare before he looks away, his expression guarded. I hate that he won’t look at me. “Val says she’s suing for full custody. Probably half my money, too.”

Shit, I should probably call my agent. Knowing Valerie, she’s probably already posted on every social media platform by now, spewing her bullshit.

As if on cue, my phone starts to vibrate in my pocket, and I pull it out to see the Cardinals’ PR lady on my screen. Just great. Fantastic.

“We’re here to help however we can, bud.” Dad pats my arm, his tuxedo wrinkled from where he no doubt fell asleep in it earlier. My eyes tear up again when everyone chimes in with support.

Everyone except the one person I wish I could hold right now.

Xed’s eyes are already on me when I look at him, and our gazes lock for so long that a few of our friends shift uncomfortably. Devon scoots closer to him, throwing an arm over his shoulders, which has my jaw tightening.

“And you?” I ask, voice hoarse.

Xed blinks, crossing his arms as his expression remains stoic. “And me, what?”

“Dude, seriously–” Taylor starts, but Salem smooshes a finger to his lips, cutting off what I’m sure was about to be a long-winded rant about the healing powers of friendship.

“Let’s give these two some privacy,” Jenna says, giving me a tight but encouraging smile. “I’m sure they have a lot to talk about.”

As everyone leaves the room, I keep my eyes on Xed, stiffening when Devon leans down to whisper with his lips pressed to his ear.

Whatever he says has Xed shaking his head and jerking his chin toward the door. Dev turns to leave but stops a few feet from me.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry, man,” he says, hands stuffed in his pockets. “About your little girl.”

“Thanks.” It’s meant to sound genuine, but my teeth are clenched so hard they’re cracking.

Dev just huffs, waving an arm before turning to leave. The front door shuts, leaving Xed and me alone. The silence stretches on, each second killing me the longer we go without speaking.

Finally, he’s the first to break our stare down, turning his back as he faces the window above the sink. “What the fuck, Matty?”

Heaving a heavy sigh, I rub my forehead with my palm, feeling exhausted. “I know.”

“Do you, though?” He glares at me accusingly over his shoulder. “Do you have any idea what you’ve put me through over the past few years?”

My mouth opens to tell him I do, but the words die on my tongue when he grips the edge of the counter and takes a shuddering breath.

“You…” Trailing off, he shakes his head before continuing. “You made me feel like I wasn’t enough.”

If I thought there wasn’t anything left of my heart to break, I was wrong because those words hit me in the chest like a battering ram.

Pushing off the chair, I stride toward him, seconds away from pulling him into a hug. He jerks away, leaving me once again reaching for something but grasping at nothing. “You’re always enough for me, Ducky. Always.”