Page 52 of How To Not Need You

Jake moves through it all so easily that you would think this is a regular day for him. I don’t know quite how firehouses operate, but somehow I doubt this is anything similar. He helps Milo when he trips chasing the football-egg, crouching beside him with a quiet “you’re okay, mate” that somehow makes the tears stop before they start. He gives Maisie a piggyback when she lifts her arms to him, her small hands resting on his shoulders, her face pressed against the back of his neck like she’s known him her whole life. He reaches down to straighten Leo’s hat when it tips sideways during a particularly enthusiastic pirate yell, doesn’t break his conversation with Noah about something fire-related.

He doesn't look around to see if anyone noticed.

Of course I noticed.

Fucking Jake.

Tilly walks back to the picnic mat quietly. I watch her approach me with her eyes are almost closing, her shoulders slumped with the kind of exhaustion only children seem capable of fighting. At the edge of the mat she drops onto her hands and knees and crawls towards me. When she reaches my side, she pulls herself upright and leans against my shoulder.

I barely break stride in my conversation with Harper about her latest manuscript. I shift automatically to take Tilly's weight, my fingers finding her curls as though they've always belonged there. I glance up to find Harper watching me with the strangest smile.

Smug bitch. I narrow my eyes. Her smile gets worse.

My hand continues to drift through Tilly's hair. She smells like sunshine and fresh-cut grass, with the faint sweetness of strawberry shampoo. Tilly settles against me further, and I keep running my fingers through her hair.

And that's when it hits me.

Fuck.

I love her.

Not in the vague my boyfriend has a cute kid way. Not in the she's fun to hang out with way.

I actually fucking love her.

Well.

That's inconvenient. And ridiculous! I have only known her for just over a month. But to my heart, it doesn’t seem to make a difference.

I know, without a doubt, that this little girl has already carved out a place inside me. Somewhere so deep I don't think I could ever ask her to leave.

I look up.

Jake is watching us.

He doesn't smile. Doesn't say anything. But there's something on his face that makes my stomach drop.

Hope.

Shit.

I can't bear to look at the rest of what I see in his eyes.

I look back down at Tilly.

And suddenly I understand exactly why this scares me so much.

Jake isn't the only person I could lose.

If things between us go wrong, I lose her too.

I could survive losing Jake.

Probably.

I've survived worse.

But Tilly?