Page 56 of The Bratva’s Monster

And if he comes back, I have to tell him exactly how I feel, no matter how much it terrifies me.

22

RIKKI

Idon’t know how long I’ve been driving around the city. Minutes or hours, it all feels the same to me. Either way, I feel like I’m caught in a storm. Or just flying around in a strong breeze with nothing to hold onto.

Hearing her tell me that she’s pregnant was shock enough. But the confession that the baby is Gedeon’s…

Some part of it feels like a lie, though I can’t put my finger on which part. Is it that she and Gedeon were really on the outs? Maybe that’s the lie. Maybe she was trying to absolve herself from sleeping with me the first time. Maybe everything I’ve known about Liz has been a lie, and thank God I found out now because I was this close to throwing away my life over her.

I know that’s just something I’m making up to make me feel better for my part in this. I know it because she could have gone without telling me at all. We’d been sleeping together, after all. If she were devious enough to try and manipulate me, then she could have kept the baby’s parentage to herself.

She might not even have told me there was a baby just to make sure I didn’t mistake it for being mine. There are a lot of things she could have done outside of telling me about this baby.

And it would have been the smarter move. She had no idea of what I might do when she told me and under the circumstances, I wouldn’t blame her for thinking that I might hurt her. She doesn’t know this for certain, but it has become my primary directive.

But… I know now that hurting her is not something that I’m capable of doing no matter how off balance she throws me. Not that she knows it. All she knows is the monster that I am. All she knows…

I don’t know. I just don’t.

I’ve been sitting in my car, parked in the cemetery for about as long as it has taken for the sky to change and start its descent into twilight. I don’t know how I got here. I have no memory of driving here at all.

But if I’m here, it’s for one reason and one reason only. I look out the passenger’s side window, up the grassy incline toward where he’s buried. Dead or not, I have the need to confess this sin. Hopefully, his spirit is listening and can forgive me.

I get out of the car and start the walk up. The air is warm this evening. Warmer than it should be. The coming in of summer, finally. Winter seems to stay too long in New York. The chill in the air stays all the way through the spring and sometimes right up through mid-June.

But it’s warm right now. I guess that means the change of season is upon us. How symbolic.

I stop at his gravestone and for a while, I don’t say anything. I’m looking over the stone and the collection of dirt on top of it. His name, date of birth, and death still look freshly carved. It’ll be years before the stone starts to turn green from the pollution. And even more years before weeds start to stick up through the dirt.

I feel like if he were standing before me, he’d be asking me what my problem is. “Whose cat has your tongue, Brother?” he’d say in Russian as he nudges me in the ribs.

“I’ve got something I need to tell you,” I finally say. My voice sounds strange out loud. A little too loud. Maybe a little too low as well. There’s no one around to judge, though. I clear my throat and continue.

“I don’t know if it’s my place to tell you,” I say. “Honestly, I don’t think it is. Liz should be here talking to you about this. Not me. Shit, I probably wouldn’t be here talking to you if not for the fact…” I trail off. Dammit, this is harder than I thought it would be.

“I really wish you were here right now.” I say it with a heavy sigh. “I know that sounds crazy, but I do wish it. I wish that you could be here for me to face. A man deserves to have the chance to take his anger out on the asshole that stabs him in the back.”

I can feel my hands start to shake, so I shove them in my jacket pocket. I can almost hear him say, spit it out already.

“Liz and I…” I start and my mouth gets dry. I swallow hard and try again. “Liz and me… We’ve been sleeping together. It’s only been a couple of times… not that that matters, I guess. I suppose I could tell you some bullshit about us finding solace in each other’s arms or something, but I’m not sure that’s what it was about.” I shrug a little. “I don’t know. Maybe it was somewhat about that. But it’s also… Well, there’s more going on that you should know before you judge me.”

I blow out a hard breath, not sure whether that was the harder piece of news or not. Guess I’m about to find out. “The other thing is that Liz is pregnant. The good news about that is that it’s yours and not mine. That’s what she says, anyway. I mean, she’s got no reason to lie about it. You’re dead and it wouldn’t be any more messed up if the baby were mine.”

I look down at my shoe and press my toe into the soft grass, digging into the dirt underneath. “She says that the two of you were going to get a divorce before you died, but you had a moment where you made up for a little while. And that, apparently, is when it happened. Guess you’d know better than me about that.”

My breath is starting to get shaky. Dammit. Dammit it all to hell. I feel more fragile now than I probably ever have. “If you were alive,” I say, my voice shaking, “I’d beg your forgiveness for sleeping with her. And you know I’m not a man who ever does that. But you were my best fucking friend, Geddy. You… you were my brother. And what I did was unforgivable. But, uh, it’s not as bad as how I feel about her.”

The root of the problem. The thing that I haven’t dared to speak out loud to anyone. When I close my eyes, I can see her face, even now. Looking up at me with eyes reminiscent of the ocean, soft lips that taste like honey, and hair that feels like silk in my hands.

But even more than that… The way she says my name. Even when we’re upright and clothed. The touch of her hand. The way her nose wrinkles when she’s angry or upset with me.

“You, uh, you once told Stefan that she was special,” I say to him, then I laugh to myself. “Yeah, I know about you and Stefan. Still kind of bitter about that. I was supposed to be your best friend. Not him.”

I smile. It feels good. So good that I wish I could keep smiling.

“But, I know that you told him that she might be the one for you. And you know, I know you’ve said similar things to me. You once told me after way too many drinks that she makes you feel like you could fly just with a look. At the time, I just brushed you off. I mean, you were drunk and the two of you had just started dating…”