Page 74 of True Blue

JULY

I’ve always prided myself on my independence.

The ability to pick up and leave whenever I needed. Never beholden to any person, never relying on any person.

And then two years ago, a man named Teddy walked into my life, and bit by bit, he chipped away at that independence.

Maybe the worst part is that he made me believe he deserved my trust. I usually listen to my instincts—and at first, with Teddy, those instincts, along with the fact that he was Ellie’s grandson, had me convinced I could finally let my guard down. I thought he’d keep my heart safe, that I’d be secure with him, so I could relinquish some control, and that was a rare feeling for me.

When I was raw and exposed, he allowed his mother to take a wrecking ball to me over and over again. Because she was going to be the only woman in her son’s life. She didn’t want to share him.

Teddy allowed it to happen, and then today he finished the job.

“And it’s easy to say, but you don’t exactly have a family to test that theory!”

Those words completely flattened me. I am nothing but rubble.

The day started badly and ended terribly.

It’s Dawn’s birthday, which apparently requires a week of celebration. She asked Teddy to stay over to help set up the party tomorrow. Since I’ve already vacated my apartment for the move and have been staying with Teddy in his condo, I decided to stay with him here too.

I wanted to keep an eye on Teddy because it seems that every time he’s alone with his mother, he comes back worse for it. I don’t know why I was still holding on. Maybe I hoped that he would change his mind, that he would want to come to Europe, that he would want to come to Cape May. That something would solidify in his mind, and he would finally choose me.

Today, Dawn said she wanted to go to this theme park outside of Chicago that Teddy loved as a kid. Lily was joining, the aunts and uncles and cousins were going. I was supposed to go too, but then I got the call about Andrea and fell apart.

"You're around death every day, Indie. Why is this affecting you so much?"

Teddy still went with his family, and it felt like he finally drew the line in the sand.

I’ll never measure up to his mother, and that’s fine because I don’t need to measure up to her. I don’t need to prove anything to anyone. And I sure as fuck don’t need to stay here and take this treatment over and over and over again.

Especially now, because in the end, it was for nothing.

Teddy’s not coming with me to Cape May.

He made that decision.

And you know what? I’ve made some decisions too.

All I’ve been doing for the past two hours is think while I watch him sleep, still in his arms where he hasn’t let me go since he spat those words at me and instantly regretted them. He held me close, murmuring apologies for hours, begging me to forgive him, swearing he had no idea where those words even came from because he didn’t think that about me.

I do.

His mother.

I think that might be what hurts the most. How easily his mother’s poison could drip from his mouth. How her cruelty could drip through to him, and how my love wasn’t enough to fight for. I felt a brief hope last month, after the gluten incident, that Teddy was waking up and changing.

He was absolutely incredible, the perfect partner for the weeks I recovered. Anytime his mother called, he ignored it. Or when he did pick it up, he would ask her if she was ready to apologize to me, and when I heard her shrill voice down the line, he just hung up on her.

Then, a week ago, he came here because his mother said she wanted to apologize, and when he came back to the condo, he was different.

Distant and distracted. Every time I asked him what was wrong, he shook his head and said everything was fine.

I should have pushed, but I think I knew I lost him then.

It hurts. It fucking burns. It feels like someone is slicing open my chest. I love Teddy. I think I always will. I think he’s buried himself in my heart so deeply that there will always be a Teddy-shaped hole there.

But so fucking what?