Page 55 of True Blue

Teddy is the love of my life.

And Teddy is hurting so deeply that it feels like he is drifting farther and farther out to sea, and no matter how hard I swim, he’s being pulled further. away.

He’s been staying at his parents' house some nights, his mother insisting she needs him under the roof, terrified he’ll too pass in his sleep. So I’ve been sleeping alone at my apartment, but trying to be there for him as much as I can.

Today was the funeral.

After Ellie got her cancer diagnosis, she planned everything for her funeral—flowers, readings, music, her outfit, her hair, her makeup, the exact statements she wanted made and by whom.

Dawn, Robin, and June were not chosen to speak, but two of Ellie’s lifelong friends were—Dina and Ronnie. They talked about her like she was exactly what she had been—bright, funny, stubborn, free, and a complete cheat at card games.

It took me by surprise when both of them mentioned how proud Ellie was of her family, particularly her granddaughters, Stephanie and Danielle, her grandson Teddy, and—to my shock—me, Indie.

“Her granddaughter in every way that counted.”

I could feel eyes turn toward me then, some warm, some curious.

And some were… cold.

I sat in the row behind Teddy, his family filling the front pew. I could see the moment he started crying, his broad shoulders shaking beneath his black suit jacket. When I reached forward and laid my hand on his shoulder, he would calm as my touch steadied him.

Then his mother would start wailing, crying loudly enough to echo through the church. Teddy would wrap his arm around her, and she would bury her face into his shoulder and cry harder.

At one point, I couldn’t help myself. I laid my hand on her shoulder too, just a show of support. Sometimes people just need to know they aren’t alone. She stiffened under my touch and patted my hand—a little too hard. I suppose it was meant to be a thank you, but it felt like a slap.

She kept hold of Teddy through the entire service, all the way to the graveside where Ellie was laid to rest beside Ted, and all the way back to the car afterward.

Teddy sent me a soft look as he got into the car with his mother and father.

“Can you ride with Steph and Danielle?” he asked quietly.

I nodded.

Stephanie and Danielle had been holding it together pretty well, both seeming to understand that this wasn’t a particularly horrible thing.

Sometimes death is a needed release.

Sometimes people just want to go.

When we got back to the house, Dawn finally let go of Teddy and slipped seamlessly into hostess mode. She directed the caterers, greeted each person who came through the door, dabbed at her eyes with a tissue when condolences were offered, and then settled herself in the living room to receive mourners like a queen.

Stephanie got a migraine and went upstairs to lie down in the dark. Danielle stood in a corner with her husband, Connell, a tall Irishman with black hair and solemn dark eyes, his arm wrapped around her while he hummed something low and sad into her hair. The sound made my chest ache.

Teddy finds me, making a beeline for me the second he spots me, absentmindedly nodding at the people expressing their sorrow as he passes. He exhales when he reaches me, his whole body going slack for one brief second. I wrap my arms around him and hold him together.

Like I have been.

Like I always will.

“Hi, honey,” he says, his voice scraped raw.

I cradle his cheek and brush my thumb beneath his eye, wiping away the tracks his tears left there before kissing the damp skin.

“Hey, Teddy bear,” I whisper.

The tiny smile widens just a little.

“It was a beautiful service.”