Page 23 of True Blue

“I love you, Indie Miller.”

You know that time right after a firework explodes? You see the light, awed and there’s this brief moment of silence before the boom? Then you can feel the powerful sound in your chest?

That’s what this feels like.

“You do?”

Teddy doesn’t flinch.

“I’ve never been in love before, but I asked Nana once how she knew she loved Pop. She felt more nervous away from him than she did around him. That he made her feel safe…”

I smile at his words, remembering Ellie’s description of her husband, and how in love they were.

Are, I correct myself.

I once heard from a former patient’s family that grief is love with nowhere to put it. Ellie still loves her husband even though he’s gone.

“You make me feel safe, Indie,” Teddy smiles. “That’s how I know.”

My throat is too tight to speak right now, so I just lean forward and press my lips to Teddy’s. His big hand cradles my cheek as our lips slowly move against each other.

Teddy loves me.

Teddy loves me.

Teddy loves me.

“You make me feel safe,” I admit once we pull back, Teddy’s eyes brightening at the words.

It all falls out of me, tumbling over each other all at once. My lack of control over my words around Teddy should be concerning, but I choose to believe that it’s a good thing. To speak what’s on your mind without fear of ridicule.

“You make me feel so at ease. I’ve told you things I don’t think I’ve ever told anyone before,” I huff a dry laugh. “You know, I’ve never even told anyone how I got my name before.”

His eyes darken.

At our eighth not-date, he asked about my name, Indie, and whether it was short for Indigo or some other cool name. And instead of saying, "Yes, my name is Indigo, but I prefer Indie," as I have in the past, I told him the truth.

Teddy had looked horrified, and I can imagine why, given the family he came from—where they’re each other's everything. He hugged me for more than fifteen seconds after that one.

“I’ve never been in love before either, but I’m pretty sure it’s supposed to feel like this,” I say, his eyes widening. I take a breath and jump. “I love you, Teddy.”

And I do.

It wasn’t something that I had been thinking about, because my mind was just occupied with Teddy. My first thought in the morning, and my last thought before sleep, and every spare thought in between.

Teddy feels like he’s practically vibrating underneath me, but he closes his eyes and gathers himself.

When he opens them, the green is so clear and bright.

“So, Indie, would you be my girlfriend?”

“I sometimes need to be alone,” I blurt out instead of the YES, my mind is screaming. I don’t want what we’ve had so far to be false advertising.

I’m not easy to be with, and I understand that. I need him to understand, too.

“It’s nothing personal. I spend all day talking to patients, to my coworkers, and my superiors, and it’s a very heavy job. I tell people they’re dying, or they have cancer and need to come back for treatment, or that they’re cancer-free,” I say, speaking clearly and firmly. “It’s emotionally and mentally taxing, so I will sometimes need to just... exist alone for a bit.”

Teddy’s facial expression only becomes more tender the more I talk. I think that’s a good sign.