Page 28 of Chains and Vows

But whatever he was talkin' about earlier? No. That's not part of my job description. It's best that I stick to my plan and let them handle theirs.

It does bug me that I have no real purpose these days. But it's a trap to think this way. I am allowed to exist and be grateful.

It's OK to be just this for now.

Because nothing lasts forever. I have to live in the present and trust that the decisions I make will serve me in the end.

This is the first night in many years where dinner felt like something… normal. If the Ashby family has ever been 'normal' and I'm not actually sure we have. But it feels like a beginning.

This time of my life right now will change and move on.

And one day, fifteen years from now, everything will have changed. There will come a time when I think back on this period of my life with nostalgia. Maybe even sadness. Because it was a good time and I didn't even know it.

I am not pessimistic about my future with Legion. Far from it. I expect everything to turn out perfectly.

But there's something to be said about livin' in the now. And that means, whatever these feelings of inadequacy are, they can wait.

Because life is good and it's buildin' up to be perfect.

And I would like to be present for every fuckin' second of that.

CHAPTER 7

Dinner is nice, the chicken-fried steak is excellent, Wyatt is tolerable, Savannah looks so happy, she's glowin', and Cash makes eyes at me all through dinner. Not sayin' nothin' about what we discussed on our ride this mornin', but the look on his face says he's thinkin' about it.

His main complaint was that Marcus needs to be dealt with. And by dealt with, he was referring to killin'.

Which I am all in on, and I made that clear. But I cautioned him about body disposal because it's a legit pain point.

Which made Cash laugh.

Here's a fun fact about dynasty ranches this big—they have crematories. Unpermitted ones that have been a part of the operation so long, it's got a nickname.

The Ashby Ranch crematory is called the Toaster.

To say that I had regrets the moment I learned this, is an understatement.

Imagine, all those bodies in the Church.

All that diggin'.

All that red clay.

All that… evidence.

Evidence that will haunt Badlands for the rest of our days.

Evidence that sits in the ground like a debt that never stops collectin’ interest.

Every fresh rain, every spring thaw, every nosy Fed with a cadaver dog, another chance for all of it to surface and bury what's left of us.

And Cash Ashby has a fuckin' toaster.

So take home point number one was… live and learn.

But take home point number two is where it gets personal.

Because despite Eleanor's wishes. And the will. And the prison time. And the fact that Cash and Wyatt kidnapped me, tied me to a post, and left me to die…