Page 98 of Beautiful Killer

I clenched my teeth. The words wouldn’t come; I couldn’t say them. I didn’t know how I felt. That part of me, it felt like there was a . . . blockage. A part of me that wouldn’t, couldn’t get that close. I was broken and there was no way to put me back together. So I told her what I did understand, the way I felt, the feelings I could recognize. I shoved my fingers through my hair. “I think about you all the time, Sunny. I want to spend every damn minute with you. I want to take care of you, protect you. I want you in my bed every night, and want to eat breakfast with you every morning. Shit, isn’t that enough?”

She blinked up at me, eyes glistening like amethysts . . . then she shook her head and stood. “You know . . . all my life, I’ve never been enough, not for my dad, not for my stepmother or Julia, and not my ex-boyfriend. I was given the dregs of their affection, the leftovers. I gave and gave and still I was discarded . . . so the answer to that, Zeke, is no. It’s not enough.” A tear streaked down her face and she dashed it away.

“Darlin’,” I choked out and took a step toward her.

She shook her head, warding me off. “I’m not taking less, not this time, not anymore.” Her eyes locked on me. “One day, I’ll meet someone, someone who loves me, all of me . . . but I won’t give everything I have to a man who can’t give it to me in return. I won’t.”

My throat felt like it was closing up, like my heart had been torn from my chest and lay beating at my feet. The very idea of her with someone else, of being with someone else. No. My mind rejected it. Refused to even contemplate it. “Sunshine . . .”

“I want you to leave.”

“Darlin’, please.” I had no idea what I expected her to say, but it wasn’t this, not this.

“I need time, away from you. I’ll be in touch when I’m ready—we’ll discuss your involvement in our child’s life then. Other than that, there’s no reason for you to call me or just show up.”

No, I couldn’t accept this. “Sunny . . .”

“Leave, Zeke.” she said more firmly.

I didn’t want to go anywhere. But what could I do? What could I say? I couldn’t force her to accept the half a life I was offering her. I didn’t blame her for not wanting anything to do with me, but that didn’t make it any easier to swallow. Didn’t fucking cut any less. I moved toward the door, but I couldn’t walk through it, not yet. I stopped in front of her, and cupped the side of her face, my fingers bushing her soft hair. “I’m sorry, Sunshine. So damn sorry. These last few months with you, despite all the fucked-up shit going on . . . darlin’, they meant everything to me. You brought light into my world when I’d been walking around in the dark for so damn long.” Then I pressed my lips to her forehead, dropped my hand from her beautiful face, and walked out.

Sunny

I heard the door shut behind him and rushed after him, my hand hovering over the door handle. I wanted to go after him so badly. Beg him to come back.

I curled my fingers into a fist and I beat it against the door, a deep sob exploding past my lips. I fumbled with the locks, locking myself in, and turned, my back pressed to the cool wood, and slid to the floor. I wrapped my arms around myself and let the tears flow. I’d held it in, all the pain and hurt the last couple of days. I’d refused to let it rule me, refused to let it take hold. God, why did he have to come here? I’d been holding it together. I’d been fine.

Fine.

Fine.

That word again.

How many times had I said that in my life? How many times had I said it and not meant it? I was even lying to myself now. Because I wasn’t fine. I was so damn far from fine I didn’t know what I was. I’d been going through the motions, refusing to think about Zeke. Refusing to think about any of it. Now I couldn’t avoid it anymore.

Another sob wrenched from me.

It wasn’t like this was new to me. I’d experienced pain before, I’d had more than my fair share. This just hurt a little more—okay, a lot more. But as much as it killed me, I couldn’t regret my time with him, not one moment. Our last nights together, I’d wanted it, all of it. And honestly, it had been the single most beautiful experience if my life.

How could I regret that?

I did have one regret, though—falling in love with him, because I knew, I’d always known, he could never love me back.

Zeke

I roared and plowed my fist into the punching bag again. Then again.

“Zeke.”

I ignored Van and smashed my fists into the bag again.

“Zeke,” he barked. “Fucking stop.”

I dropped my hands, and turned to Van because I knew he wasn’t going anywhere, not until he said what he’d come to say.

My friend eyed me, obviously seeing how well I was not coping, and planted his hands on his hips. “You gotten over yourself and talked to Sunny yet?”

I gritted my teeth. “She’s done. It’s over.”