Page 37 of The Changeling

‘I canna risk it,’ I told him. ‘I’d lose everything.’

He did not speak for a long moment, his head bent. ‘I … I cannot wed as I please. You know that, Caiti. My life is not my own; I am in service to the earl of Lennox and he and my father will decide whom I must marry.’

I nodded jerkily.

‘If I could … if I had the freedom to choose … oh, Caiti, to find you here like this, just when I was thinking about you, worrying about you. It felt like a sign … like we were meant to be together. I lost my head; I should never have kissed you like that. I’m sorry!’ Then, he smiled and caught me close, saying with a laugh, ‘Nay, scrap that. We must have truth between us. I’m not sorry at all. I’m glad.’

His words chilled me through.

We must have truth between us.

How could I tell him the truth?

I blundered out of his arms, shaking my head. ‘Dinna touch me!’

The light died out of his eyes. ‘Caiti, I would not hurt you. Surely you know that?’

‘I need to go, I need to get back, I’ll be missed.’ Wrapping my plaid about me tightly, I began to walk back towards the palace, stumbling in my haste.

He followed me. ‘It’s getting dark, it’s not safe for you out here alone. Let me take you up before me, let me see you back safely.’

I hesitated. ‘No-one can see us together.’

‘I promise, I’ll be careful. Please, Caiti.’

I nodded, so he lifted me up into the saddle, then leapt up behind me, and turned Apollo’s head toward the palace. We rode slowly, not speaking. His strong young body pressed against mine from the nape of my neck to the base of my spine; his arms encircled me. He took me to the back gate, the one that was hidden from sight by trees, and drew his horse to a stop. We sat there motionless, unable to move, scarcely able to breathe. Robbie swung his leg away and dismounted. When he lifted me down, he dropped his hands as if my skin burned him and stood with his back to me, staring away over the hills. I waited, my eyes hot.

At last he turned and looked at me. ‘I do not think I can bear it. I want you, Caiti, so much. If only there was a way we could be together … but they will never let me. I’d be disowned, dishonoured, an outcast …’

Would you not risk it all for me? I wanted to say, but did not. For how could I ask him to give up everything for me when I dared not risk telling him the truth about myself?

‘We had better no’ meet again,’ I said.

He nodded, but did not move away from me. A single step, and I could be in his arms again. I had wished for him, and he had come.

‘How did you find me?’ I asked. ‘How did you ken where I’d be?’

‘I was unpacking the earl’s chest, and heard a raven calling outside my window. Then it flew down and perched on the sill, and tapped at the glass with its beak. It kept tapping, and I went to scare it off, thinking it would break the pane. It flew away, but then I saw you. Even if I hadn’t seen Carlin, I would have known it was you. Your shape, your hair …’ Robbie coiled my thick plait about his hand, drawing me closer. I shivered at his touch. ‘It was strange. The raven, I mean. For I swear it has been shadowing us for miles, all the way here from the Knock.’

I stared up at him. ‘How … how can you be sure it’s the same raven?’

‘It has a crippled foot.’

‘A crippled foot?’

Robbie nodded.

‘I need to go. It’s almost dark; the queen will be wondering where I am.’ I turned away so abruptly he did not have time to release my hair and it tugged sharply. ‘Let me go!’ I cried, and he obeyed at once.

‘Caiti …’

But I did not stay to listen. I hurried inside the palace gate, puzzled and afraid. Surely it could not be the same raven I had known as a child? The one which had perched on my arm and spoken to me? I had not thought of it since I had left Monzie.

I shook my head. It could not be the same raven. It was just a coincidence. Birds did injure their feet sometimes. It meant naught that the raven was crippled. It meant naught that it had tapped on Robbie’s window at the very moment I was crossing the courtyard. It was all just happenstance.

So why did I feel so afraid?

I hurried up to my cold cupboard of a room. It was dark now, and I had to light a candle. The flame wavered all over the walls as my hands shook. Carlin growled, looking towards the window. Carrying my candle, I went to draw the curtain closed.