Page 100 of Go Back to December

“Everyone talks about her with such sadness. But she’s obviously forgiven you for the terrible thing you won’t tell me you did.”

“Because she did it too.”

I hold my fire, and he summons a few more heavy sighs before he turns to face me.

“Allie was my cousin.”

Was.

“Alejandro.” The name rolls off his tongue in a perfect accent.

“Jesus, Baz.” I choke. “I honestly had no idea. I'm so sorry.”

He looks out the window and holds his posture tight. “He was two years older. I was twelve when he came to live with us. It was like I’d been gifted a big brother.”

The barn. The two beds.

Baz wasn’t the only boy who lived there.

He huffs a laugh. “I don’t think I’ve said his name out loud since he passed.”

“You must miss him so much.”

“Some days, I feel sick with it.”

My hand weaves into the fist resting on his knee. His fingers open to clasp mine.

“Did you look alike?” I can’t resist asking.

“A bit. He was shorter, and his eyes were different.” He mock smiles. “Allie was always looking out for me, though. Total boss.”

“Craig’s like that. Older child swagger.”

“I suppose he’s a work-hard, play-hard guy too.”

As he white-knuckles the door handle, I have a sinking feeling where this story is heading. “Raging isn’t Craig’s thing. Flying’s too important to him.”

“Too bad Allie didn’t feel that way about medical school. It was a pressure cooker. He was constantly chasing some way to let the steam escape.”

On the street behind us, people are filtering out. Some with flashlights. Others with sleigh bells. They’re like a small parade marching into the night.

Baz’s hand tightens around mine.

“I know this is hard,” I whisper. “You’re doing great. I want to hear the rest.”

He swallows. “There was this big end of term party. Allie insisted he’d calculated exactly the right amount of time for his liver to process all that celebrating. He got behind the wheel. And crashed into a tree.”

Now that the words are out, it loosens the rigidity in the rest of his body. He lets up the pressure of his hand, so I can stroke my thumb across it.

“I should have stopped him,” he whispers. “I was at the party. So was Alicia.”

“That’s a terribly unfair burden to place on yourself.”

“I was supposed to drive. But I fucked up, fell asleep. Allie found the keys and took the car.”

“When did it happen?” I ask softly. “What day?”

Baz raises his head, and the empty look he gives me confirms it was today. New Year’s Eve.