Page 74 of Wicked Games

“Lie back down. I’m going to wipe you off.”

“I can do that when I put my pajamas on.”

“No. I made you messy and I want to do it.”

His voice is firm and I know better than to argue. I lie back and he nudges my knees apart. Gently, he wipes the insides of my thighs with a damp washcloth that I didn’t notice he carried upstairs. He’s quiet, and I wonder what he’s thinking, sitting in the semi-dark, the dim glow of the setting sun still struggling in through the window.

“They put you through all the tests?” he asks, dabbing the nubby washcloth around my vagina. My skin isn’t sore, but the pressure’s there, the bruised feeling. It’ll mostly go away when the ibuprofen starts working.

“Yeah,” I say, not having to ask what he’s referring to.

“You didn’t try IUI or IVF?”

I hate talking about this because I’m afraid Seth’s going end up like Darren and get tired of me. “No. The doctors mentioned it, but I don’t think he considered it, really. By the time he might have thought to talk to me about doing something like that, we had other problems that a baby wouldn’t have fixed. Once you cross that line, you can’t go back.”

“No, you can’t,” he agrees, tossing the washcloth toward the closet. It lands on the floor and blends into the shadows. “I’ve done as much as I can do and you’ll have to do the rest. Come here.”

I sit up and he wraps his arms around me. More of my blood and his cum trickle out of me and onto the sheet, ruining the cleaning up he just did, but I think he wanted to do that for the ritual of it, or the message he wanted to give me. He’ll take care of me, and I’m more than happy to let him, until he doesn’t want to anymore. It probably wasn’t smart to jump from one man to the next, my rebound, as Bill called him, but I can’t do anything else. I can’t walk away.

Seth senses the change, and that’s something else I’m going to have to get used to. Darren was always living inside his head, preoccupied with the line of a poem or a scene he wanted to puzzle out. He had that amusing befuddled expression a lot, and I never minded because I usually had it too, feeling out my next essay, piecing together the emotions in the words. Seth’s different. He’s present, and as much as I’m grateful for it, it might sometimes be a curse as well. I’ll never be able to hide anything from him.

“I wasn’t asking for me. You already know how I feel about having more kids. I don’t want to unless you do, and it doesn’t matter to me if you want to try IVF or if we find them under a rock. I have all I want with you, but I’m not arrogant enough to think that I’ll be all you ever want. If I’m ever not enough, tell me. Don’t cross that line without me.”

I huff a laugh. “There’s no line if we’re always on the same side.”

“You might be right, but I’d prefer not to find out. I’m going to be heavy, Avery, for a long time. When I drove out here, I wasn’t looking for something like this, and I tried to fight it off. But you found a way into my heart and you saved my life. I need you, and I’m going to be a little protective. I hope you don’t mind.”

“Don’t get tired of me,” I whisper, asking for something I know I can’t stop.

“Ah, sweetheart. How could I do that?” He cups one of my hands in his, my palm facing upward, and he brushes his finger over the creases. “My whole life is right there. Do you see it?”

I’m so surprised I can only shake my head.

“I can. My next fifty years, right here.” He kisses my palm. “You’re tired. Go put your pajamas on and come back to bed. I’ll make you breakfast in the morning.”

I nod and scoot off the bed before I start crying. Never in my life has someone said something so heartfelt, so beautiful, and trust me, Darren had a way with words.

Seth’s waiting for me when I come out of the bathroom with my teeth brushed and wearing my pajamas and a pad. The ibuprofen has kicked in and I only feel wisps of my cramps and our lovemaking.

“I pulled the top sheet up. Tomorrow I’ll do laundry,” he says, holding the comforter open and letting me crawl in beside him. Eagerly, I do, and snuggle into his side. “Get some sleep, baby.”

Fatigue is already dragging me under, and I barely hear him when he says, “Goodnight, Avery. I love you.”

I don’t say it back, and later, I’ll wish with every beat of my heart that I had.

When I hear Winnie barking, I open my eyes expecting to see the sun shining, but it’s not. It’s pitch black in the bedroom except for the red glow of an old alarm clock on the nightstand saying it’s close to two in the morning. Winnie’s growling at something, and I groan. She’s never woken me up before.

“Winnie’s outside,” I whisper to Seth. “Lara might have accidentally locked her out.”

“Hmmm,” he says, but I don’t think he’s awake.

“I better go find out what she’s barking at. I don’t want her to kill a rabbit.”

“I’ll go,” he murmurs, but he tightens his arms around me. He’s not getting out of bed.

I untangle myself. “I’ll go. I’ll be right back.”

He doesn’t answer, already back to sleep if he was ever awake.