Page 61 of The Starlight Savior

But Gods, she was angry.

She still hadn’t been able to harness her magic. There were no steps forward. King Vospella began to stare down at her at supper, waiting for his pet he had claimed to do something already. Sometimes she’d try to skip supper all together, deeming herself too exhausted from her training. But they hadn’t done much, had they? Eva dragged her along nonetheless.

Tobin was already in his meditative state when she arrived. She plopped down next to him and crossed her legs. With a deep breath in, she placed her palms on her knees. The fabric was soft upon her skin. In the distance, birds sang from treetops. The meadow’s grass rustled all around them. Despite the peace around her, her breaths came in shaky.

“You’re troubled today.”

Saige opened her eyes to find Tobin looking at her, a graying brow perched high on his forehead. Her hands had begun to knot through her trousers, breaths quick and sharp. A tightening spread in her chest, mingling with the growl in her belly.

Fuck training, she should’ve gone down to the kitchen and begged for some food.

“Rough morning,” she admitted.

“Why don’t we talk about it?”

“Don’t we have deep breathing and imagining to engage in?” she asked dryly. Her words came out sharper than intended, but by Tobin’s small smile, he absorbed no harm.

“There is no point if your mind moves with such intensity.”

“I thought the point was to catch the thoughts? Allow them? See them?”

“Are you able to?

She couldn’t stop thinking of everything. Her exhaustion, her lack of progress, the loss of Esme, Conor and the odd feeling of missing him beginning to swell inside her, her mother’s hair, her father. His lack of training. All of it was moving faster than it had in weeks. Coming up too quick.

“We will do something else today.” Tobin rose from the ground, brushing off the lingering grass from his robe.

“What?”

“The goal was for you to feel. Not extinguish or bury whatever lurks inside of you. One must learn to tolerate any emotions that burst to the surface, whether we’re comfortable with them or not.”

Saige shook her head. “I’ve been told countless times that one must be calm enough to control magic. But I feel so much…” She licked her lips, searching for a word that could embody the heat building in her. “Rage. I don’t want to feel like that anymore.”

“If you can’t control your feelings, you can’t control your magic.”

“You’re starting to sound quite repetitive.”

“Most students need repetition before they truly begin to learn. Wait here.” He walked towards one of the trees surrounding the meadow, disappearing behind the wide trunk. Boxes opening and metal clanking echoed around her.

Saige rose from the ground, contorting her body to try and spot what Tobin was grabbing. Suddenly, he appeared from behind the trunk, dragging along a sword and wooden stand with something soft attached to it. Earth and flowers were torn from the ground as he dragged it to the middle of the meadow.

“Is this the combat training I requested?” Saige asked. Compared to the water-wielders, all she had was adrenaline and fear. She needed more, but the furthest she had gotten was Baron showing her minor defensive moves she never practiced.

“I’m not teaching you how to fight, but there are feelings built up inside of you that you need to express.”

“How will sword fighting help with that?”

“Tell me, Saige, have there been moments in your life where you have simply wanted to fight back?”

“I-I don’t know,” she stammered. An image of the soldier now general flashed before her. She had wanted to fight back then, and yet she cowered under her parents’ bed. So young and defenseless.

“Even fight off your own magic? From what you’ve shared, it has caused you a tremendous amount of pain and anguish.”

For the first few years, Saige understood so little of what was going on in her body. She’d dig her nails into her flesh, claw at her face and arms until the scratches hurt more than the sensations. So yes, she had tried to fight it off many times.

“When our body holds onto unresolved feelings and experiences, it doesn’t go away until we release it. Sometimes we need to reenact that exact feeling. The tears we did not shed. The words we did not speak. The anger we did not act on.”

“What are you asking of me?” Saige demanded, her eyes traveling from the sword to the hay stuffed figure, its shape resembling a person. “You want me to fight that?”