Page 44 of Westbound Awakening

Her nostrils flared, her eyes snapped to his. "I'm not sure you could ever understand me Mister Murphy."

"You do seem to possess a large share of bitterness and self-pity, so perhaps you're correct Miss Roberts." When her eyes widened and her mouth opened, he rounded her and stalked towards the bunkhouse. Thank God the other ranch hands did not live there. At the moment he needed privacy.

Just as Alan reached the doorway, he could not help but look back to where Lucinda Roberts stood. She remained stock still, her hands to her sides, her face downward. Perhaps he'd been too harsh. The thought of returning and apologizing struck him, but his pride stopped him from going to her. Seeming to sense his regard, she lifted her face and look toward him.

Sorrow was etched across her beautiful face; but the instant she noticed he saw her, she yanked up her skirts and swung away running to the large house.

The dim interior of the bunkhouse soothed him. Alan walked past the four neatly made beds on both sides of the large room to the end where he pulled one of the chairs away from the square wooden table and sat. He focused on the chest along the far wall where he kept the few belongings he'd kept when moving to Hawkins' ranch.

Along with his shirts and trousers, there was a small framed picture of his wife and two boys. How wrong Lucinda was to think she was the only one with a right to be bitter and angry. A man could succumb to a life of drink and sorrow; he knew it more than most having spent two years after their deaths in such a way. But he'd woken up one day with the conviction that although he'd lost his family to diphtheria, he'd be doing them a disservice by not being the husband and father they'd loved. The same morning he made a decision that he would live a good life to pay them honor.

25

Once they arrived back at Hawkins ranch, Mae turned Wesley over to Elma and rushed to her bedroom.

Collapsing on the bed, she fought to bring her breathing under control. After several long shaky breaths, she closed her eyes and put her face in her hands.

Joshua waited for her in the front room, and she had to face him. Spend time with him.

She splashed water on her face and brushed the windblown strands into a semblance of order. After she assessed her appearance, Mae went to the front room.

Joshua stood when she entered, his shy smile warmed her. And when he reached for her elbow to assist her to sit, she found herself faltering.

He shook his head. "It's strange. I grew up in this house, but it looks so different since you've moved into it. It's brighter or something. I feel more like a guest when I am in this room."

While he looked around, Mae studied him. He was pleasant, about the same height as John, but with a more husky build. She wondered why he'd not married. "Why have you not married Joshua?"

He shrugged. "I've been so busy with my lands and helping Uncle Joe out the last few years. It’s rare I have time to venture into town. If you notice, there aren't many women out here."

"I can see that." Mae replied with a smile.

"More surprising to me is you not married already."

The time to divulge why she'd remained single. The words began to form and her heartbeat quickened. "I'm not the type of woman respectable men marry Joshua. You see my business back in Virginia is not reputable. Miss Lady and I run a brothel. I am a madam."

Other than a slight frown and cock of his head to the side, Joshua did not seemed at all perturbed by her revelation. "It's strange I never considered what your business was. Not until Miss Lady and Lucinda arrived. The younger woman with her bright clothing and walk made me wonder."

"Well now you understand why I remain single." Mae looked at him relieved at the lack of judgment in his regard of her.

"What you just told me changes nothing." A slight curve of his lips took her attention. "I would like to get to know you better Mae. He hesitated. "I hope I'm not being too forward, as I don't know the nature of your relationship with John McClain."

"He...he cannot get past my background. Perhaps the fact his men frequented my establishment has tarnished his opinion of me."

"Then he's a fool," Joshua neared and took her hand. "Allow me the opportunity. I've wanted a wife and children for so long, yet never thought it would be."

Mae met his eyes. Such kindness, he deserved a woman's entire heart and she wasn't sure she'd ever be able to give him that. "I will consider it. Please allow me time to think about it."

Joshua raised her hand to his lips and placed a kiss on her knuckles. "I better go, have much to do. I will return on Sunday, if you permit me to accompany you to church."

After Joshua left, Mae remained seated, not sure what to think or do.

What was she doing? Could she possibly marry Joshua? She'd made it past the obstacle of disclosing to him her past and dealing with the possibility of his rejection. He'd proven to be a sensible man who approached each day with quiet acceptance.

If only John would look at her in such a manner. No matter what the man said or attempted to say, she knew the truth behind his inability to forge a relationship with her. He simply could not get past the fact she'd spent her entire life until recently in a brothel. And truth be told, it was for the best. If they'd stayed together, she would be forced to live with the constant shadow of his disapproval, and after years, it would be exhausting.

A husband, now she found herself in need of one. The thought made her chuckle. In Virginia she could remain without a partner, live out her life in the large white house in the outskirts of town. But here in Texas, a woman needed a man. Protection was as much a need as the air in the still untamed part of the country, and she should marry if she was to remain.

She'd speak to Joshua and forge an agreement to marry once they got to know each other better. She'd force John from her heart.