Page 32 of Westbound Awakening

"Don't apologize John. I shouldn't have come here, rushed you." She moved to lie beside him and placed her head on his shoulder.

"You attempted to take advantage of me." John's highbrow expression of shock made her grin.

"Truly, I didn't expect more than you to open my gift."

"A better gift you could not have given me than to spend time, be here with me right now. I missed being alone with you."

Her smile brightened the room, her happy expression making his chest swell. It almost made up for the fact that he was not able to be with her as a man.

John's brow creased and she could tell he thought about what happened, so she stroked his face and turned him to her. "This is what I really wanted too. I too missed those long days on the road with you when we spent hours together."

His somber eyes bore into hers. "Have you ever... God, how do I phrase this? Have you ever been with someone like me? Not whole?"

The words weighed on her, but she could not blame him for not knowing the truth of her life since she lived in a brothel. After all, it was common knowledge most madams started off a working girls.

"No I have not," she replied truthfully. "I've had a lover, and he had two legs, both worked perfectly."

"A lover?"

"Yes John, I never sold my body for a price. If I took a lover once, it was because I'll never marry and wanted to know what it was like between men and women. Even if only temporary."

A long silence followed, with neither speaking for a long time. Finally, John placed a kiss onto her forehead and let out a sigh. "What happened between you?"

"He ended it of course. It goes without saying, that although I was a virgin our first night, he still found me unworthy of marriage."

John frowned, his eyes locked to hers. "I have to know how this is possible. You own a brothel, you're a…"

"Madam," Mae replied and attempted to slide away, but his arm remained firm holding her in place. "Both my mother and Miss Lady demanded I keep from serving customers. In their minds, they thought one day a proper gentleman would show interest in me and ask for my hand in marriage." The bitterness in her voice surprised her, yet she plundered on. "As you well understand, it will never happen. Not for me. Virgin or not, I'm a tarnished woman."

He held her tight. "I can't marry you either Mae. But it's not what...."

Her heart lurched at the words, and body stiffened." I wouldn't ask you to."

"Yet it would be the proper thing to do," John replied letting out a breath.

"I would never ask it of you or expect it. I'm sure for someone like you to marry someone of my social standing is unthinkable." She moved away from him and this time he allowed it.

John remained quiet, deep in thought for a moment. "It's not what you think Mae, I have to figure out how to deal with all this," he motioned to his leg. "And I have a son to worry about now. I don't have anything to offer you."

Mae rolled to her side facing him. "Can this night not be about expectations? Let's just talk."

"I can give us that," he replied.

Then he kissed her, the soft kiss was meant to reassure her, but instead it shattered her heart and soul.

18

It was unusually hot for April, at least John thought so, he wasn't sure it was his first time there. Waves of heat pulsated from the parched ground but fortunately the clouds gathering in the otherwise bright blue sky promised a reprieve. Plus the rains would ensure a healthy crop.

John pushed his hat up from his brow, wiping absently with his handkerchief and listened to Alan, who explained the need for another field horse.

He'd fallen naturally into the role of overseer. Once training John to his satisfaction, Joshua was free to work his own lands and had gladly relinquished the duties over to him.

While listening, John glanced over at the other two men they'd hired recently. The men took a break under a shade tree, both drinking heavily of the cool water Elma had brought out. "I certainly understand why you feel another horse is necessary, but the three we have seem more than sufficient. However, I will speak to the Joshua to see if he also feels one of the horses is as unsuitable as you suspect." He replied. "Tell the others we have to get the equipment gathered and into the barn before the rains come." He dismissed the man and headed toward the stable. Alan, a hard worker, he seemed satisfied with John's reply and went to join the others.

John looked past the fields toward the horse corrals where several colts pranced around the adults.

Virginia was no longer an option, his father had written, he was selling the press. Perhaps he'd remain here, he'd start a new life for Wesley and himself.