Page 250 of Red Marked

Jett told me everything I wanted to hear. This male is standing in front of me telling me the truth. I respect that so much. It’s one of the many things I love about him. He could lie to get what he wants, but he won’t. He has morals and principles.

It’s still not enough.

“I’m already halfway in love with you, Flint.”

He winces. He squeezes the back of his neck and shakes his head. “Oh no…shit, Star.”

“It’s not your fault. It’s just how it is.” I keep going before I lose my nerve. “You’ve been nothing but honest with me, and I love that about you. But if we spend time together, I’m going to fall the rest of the way in love. All of me, no brakes. It wouldn’t take much, either. If you wake up one day and decide you still don’t want me – not really – it will break me. I know it’s still early days. I don’t expect you to go on one knee or anything. I do need for us to at least be on the same page. To want the same things, fundamentally. To be headed in the same direction. Does that make sense?”

“It does.” He says it quietly. “I wish I could tell you what you need to hear. I can’t. Not now, and maybe not ever.”

“I know. It’s okay. I’m okay with it.”

It hurts a lot more than I thought it would.

But I am okay. I will be.

“I understand,” I add.

“You’re the best…” He stops. Shakes his head. “What the hell is wrong with me? I don’t get it.” His shoulders lift and drop. “You’re the perfect female for me, and I…I’m an idiot.”

“You’re not. You are who you are. Scarlet tried to talk me into finding you this morning and telling you how I feel. I said no.” I smile. “Because I already knew. Deep down, I knew exactly where you stood.”

“I wish it could be different.”

“Me too.”

He’s quiet for a second. Then, “Can I hug you?”

“You’d better.” It comes out thick. “I could use one.”

He wraps his arms around me. I lean in and press my face into his shirt and breathe him in. I want to stay here. I want it so much it hurts.

We don’t always get what we want. No matter how much we want it.

He lets go first. Or maybe I do. I can’t tell.

“Take care of yourself,” he says.

“You too.”

“I’ll be in touch about your position. I spoke with Atlas. He’s a hundred percent on board with having you on his team in a couple of weeks.”

“Good.” I nod.

“I’ll see you later.”

“Are you coming to watch us leave?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”

“I’d better get back.” I point toward the canteen.

He smiles at me. And just like that, I’m ready to take it all back. To tell him yes, I’ll take spending time together. I’ll take whatever he’s got, even if it goes nowhere. Even if we want different things.

I turn and walk away.

I won’t do that to myself.